Unfit For Life

Unfit for a lot of things.

It's been 5 days since I turned 21.

It wasn't anything special.
In fact, I was unhappy on my special day.

Very unhappy.

We went to an expensive restaurant.
But still, I wasn't happy.

I had my requested cake.
Still, I wasn't happy.

Best cake I had in a while (last year was wonderful too)

Work is fine but I don't like it either.
Not the work itself, more to the things surrounding it.

The Body Shop finally reached out to me about my allergy (after lots of complaints of course) and I got my replacement products.
They were all things I'm excited for.

Look at these, all things I love (soap, soap, soap)

Still, I can never be happy.

I bought several things online.
It doesn't help.

Retail therapy doesn't make me happy anymore either.
I don't want to live.



It's useless.


It's true, if you can't love yourself, how can others love you?

I don't love myself.

I don't.
I hate myself.

I can never see myself living normally.
I try, but I can't seem to.

I tell myself I'm normal, I'll be fine.
But it's all a stupid lie.

Taken today, first time outside with contacts, also a painful experience.

I got sick today, missed work.

And tomorrow I applied for an absent day.
For a video shoot.

But now I feel torn.
I feel worthless.

Nothing.

I feel worthless.

Unfit for life.

God, please, give me guidance.
Why am I on this Earth?

What's the purpose You have decided for me?

I can't just be trash.
Or am I?


.......even doing this is not therapeutic anymore.

-Nisah-