From depression to....

...bipolar disorder.

I never got to have a very correct diagnosis.

I always stop going to the doctor just as soon as I feel better.

But you know what?

I'm not feeling any better.

I've always associated my depression to my ex-boyfriend, well, most people do but I know that's not the case. Sure, my state of mind and vulnerability might be the cause of it getting worse throughout the years.

All I want is to die.

Happy or not, I wanted to die.

And I was so close to, too.



I don't know. sometimes I'd be fine.
And sometimes, all I want is to stab myself to death.


I hate feeling like this.

God knows it made my ex-boyfriend well....

Can't say it.

But I hope he'll be fine..



It's funny how he's always telling me to stop taking medication.

And well.

I should have continued taking them if I knew it'd be like this.


Haha...ha.

I trusted him so much.

It's really sad.







Fuck this shit.

I'll get help.

-Nisah-

First!

Well, I think it is.

MY FIRST WHITE HAIRRRRRRR!!!!!

PROUD ACHIEVEMENT UNLOCKED!!

I don't know why I'm so proud of it but 20 years of my life (I should actually exclude the first 10 years to be fair lol), finally a white hair ( ;A; ) granted I thought it was just overbleached hair strand.

In truth, even my lil' sis had one.

Was kinda jealous.

Why?

Well, they say that every strand of white hair you have on your head meant that God has forgiven one sin.

I may not know what sin but I can tell you that I've a lot of sins.


( ;^\ ) some I can never purge.

Edited with a phone app.

This is a photo I took today of the hill behind my house.
It looks nice.

Ish.

Here's to hoping that my sins would be forgiven more.


( u__u ) it's been hard these past few days.

I feel very lonely.

Shit.

Even writing that makes me tear up.

PMS I guess.


-Nisah-

Mustika Ratu Mangir Soap Review

I got over-excited. So I did an early review of one of the soaps I got last night.
Yes, because I love to try out new soap, this had to be sampled soon.

And you know what?
Thank goodness I did.

The soap is awesome.

I love it!

I'm really not sure what 'mangir' means, but I'm guessing it's healthy and stuff XD

It's supposed to keep the skin healthy, whitens and also clears off dead skin. I kinda paraphrased that. To top that off, the smell sticks to your body the whole day. Ish. I haven't exercised with it yet lol.

At first I was turned off by the strong smell but then I got used to it. It smells like herbs and I can't complain much. It looks like ginger in the picture though.

It comes in a cute box.

Ingredients (a bit covered by the price lol, will update what it is)

How it looks like, it's covered in a translucent paper.

I'm so happy the soap looks like this. You see, I love soap that has these tiny things that can help scrub your body as you use it. The soap itself fits perfectly for my palm so it didn't slip. It lathers easily and there's bubbles aplenty. As you scrub, you'll notice flecks of the soap, that kinda reminds me of wood.

What I liked about it:

- The smell is kinda therapeutic as you scrub.
- It scrubs off dead skin gently.
- It's so compact that it's cute.
- I like the packaging.
- Makes me appreciate traditional beauty stuff.
- Doesn't dry me out

What I didn't really like:

- The overpowering smell at first sniff.
- The flakes are kinda scratchy at the same time.
- It's hard to stop using it lol

For BND$3.50 (n.p) (20% off and I got a free one too), it's not too expensive.
I think in the long run, this might be a soap I'd go to again lol.

Unless there are other nice soaps from Mustika Ratu.


I'll do an update of this after a week or two.

-Nisah-

Mustika Ratu Haul~

 Mustika Ratu Things

At first I only wanted the lulur (scrub) but then in the end I got myself other stuff. They were having a 20% discount and 'buy one free one' promotion, I actually have two of the soaps lol. And me, being a soap collector, well, I thought it'd be nice to have more soap.

Yes. I am a soap collector now. I love soap XD

Well, the feminine wash is to be used by sister......and me. Sharing? Well, not really, I'm gonna divide it into another container or something.

The rose water thing is to be used with a mask (not shown here), I just used it tonight, it made my face itch LOL, I dunno if it was an allergic reaction but there was no rashes or redness. Have to see tomorrow.

I bought a stick foundation that I plan to use as an eyeshadow base. I should try it out tomorrow.

The caplets, it's for acne. Hopefully it'd help.

So yeah, that's about it.

The MR lady recommended some powder and tinted moisturizer but I told her that I need to use up things at home. Yeah, I have two liquid foundations and a compressed powder that I need to use up, among other things. Ergh.

I should list up some things to use up so I try and stick to it.

Thing is, I'm trying to avoid makeup.

I dunno if it was the Maybelline liquid foundation that dried my face up but egh.

Dammit. That liquid foundation is like waaaay light for my skin tone.
Planning on using it for my friend's video shoot.

I'll cake up on purpose, muahahahaha.

Well, I'd have to moisturize my face a lot too.

But yeah.

I used makeup tonight, after a while of not, or rather, first time after my treatment with SkinTologist.

The only orange lighting pic I got lol. I didn't fade too much blemishes, just the one on my chin.

Yeah, this one on the other hand, faded the cheeks and the chin lol. What's the point of lying.

But I think I look thinner now lol.
Ish.

I couldn't eat my food tonight.
I only had like....1/4 of my noodles.

God, what is wrong with my appetite ):

I don't mind not eating but probably this is related to a broken heart.

Sigh.

Death by broken heart please and thanks.



Just kidding.

He ordered me to live, so yeah, let's.

But first thing's first, fix skin, thin up and yeah, look awesome.

Love myself first before loving another person.

Because I loved him too much over my own feelings.


-Nisah-

I draw too.

Well, used to be better at it.

I just grabbed my tablet again and yeah, started working on things.

It's not the best work I've done but for not doing it for a long time, it looks okay.

It's supposed to be Shou from Alice Nine lol

 It's not perfect lol, but I'll try perfecting it one day.

Here's a random dump of something related to beauty lol

Random pic of my falsies collection. Some I'm not really sure when to use lol

Ah well.

I should be sleeping.

-Nisah-

Do we have Consumer Rights, Brunei?

I take it back.

The stuff SkinTologist sold us turned out to be expired product. lol.

My mom discovered it.

Is that why I can't get any product out of the spot treatment thing?

Sad.
I thought they can be trusted.


When my mom called them, they insisted that it was still good to use. Despite the fact that they just SOLD us (expensive stuff) EXPIRED PRODUCT.

And the pump didn't even work!!!

Thing is, my mom wanted an exchange.

However, they said they sold us the last one.

So, if I wanted a new one, it'd be the full sized version THAT we have to pay extra.

So like, do we have consumer rights here?

Sure, I respect businesses but they should be more considerate.

We're PAYING money, expecting good honest service no?

Lots of money.

And we're not well off.

Do you understand?


So like, do we have consumer rights here?


-Nisah-

Yesterday.

I was feeling very uncomfortable with my skin condition so I begged my mom to take me to SkinTologist.

They recommended a microdermabrasion/diamond peel because my skin was congested.
I have 9 more treatments left.

They also recommended using Cell Fusion C, the starter kit for acne.
Well, it's expensive and tiny.

I don't mind (actually I do, since my mom paid for it and the treatment) but then don't you just hate it when something expensive, is not functioning well?

The cleanser worked great, I believe so.

But then the thing I was so excited to try, the spot treatment one....well.

The fucking pump doesn't work.

How can I try it out?

I can't even open the stuff.

I tried convincing myself that the product is hardened or something.

But well, nothing's working.

I exploded at my mom today because I didn't feel like going out to exchange the pump.

Sigh.
Don't you just hate it when this happens?

When you expect great from something and it's just not delivering.

Work, dammit, work.

Sigh, really need this exchanged soon. I really want to try it out!!!

But I did have a nice brunch at FarmBasket. Had some blueberry pancakes and a green bubble tea with pearls.

I made a sugar scrub recently and I liked the feeling of it after you wash away all the sugar.

It hurts when you scrub but right now, pain is nice.

I believe that this way, all the goodies from the soap you'll use will get absorbed better.
Just use a nice lotion after that, or body butter.

Here's how you make it:

D-I-Y: ACV & Honey Sugar Scrub

All you need is honey, apple cider vinegar and sugar (I opted for coarser ones):

They're not all organic unfortunately.

Add three big spoonfuls of sugar.

Add two spoonfuls of honey and then half a spoon of ACV.

Mix it all up before adding and extra amount of sugar.

 And then you can store it in your fridge for a few days to use up. You would notice the ACV "floating" above the sugar and honey while in storage. This can be fixed by just mixing it up again with a spatula before use.

This won't last you a whole week, you just need an amount to slough the dead skin cells off your body.

You can either use it dry (like what I do), but mind you, it really hurts.
Or you wet your body and then use it for a gentler exfoliation.

Personally, I like it.

Saves me money, but I'd like to try something that's similar from either TheFaceShop or SkinFood.

If you're allergic to any of these ingredients, don't try this out lol.

This can be used on the face, just wet your face and slowly exfoliate.
If you want to, opt for finer sugar.

For me, I like to see the crystal like sugars on my body lol. It looks like diamond.
Haha.

Just pop it back in the fridge when you're done.

-----

On another note, I'll do a review of the microdermabrasion treatment :)
But we'll see of any change.

I'm hoping it'll help my skin since it's so expensive!!!

But they have a promotion right now in conjunction with the Brunei Salebration thing, so do check it out if you're curious.

No, this is not an advert, but I would appreciate if steady money flows into that place, so it won't shut down LOL.

-Nisah-

EDIT: Well, after 6 treatments with Skintologist, I honestly think it worsened instead LOL;
Plus with them selling me expired products~~ HM. Will do a full rant post after I'm done with treatments.

Again, with the depression shit.

Yes, yes. I've neglected this blog for a while.

Reason being: life's been dull and hectic at the same time.

No. Actually it was not...but recently I kinda ruined it again.

Just because we have thoughts and feelings, just because we need to talk to someone, release the frustration, just to be able to sleep, I don't know.

I regret it all.

Regrets. This regret will forever be the worst one yet.

I don't even know how to articulate it into words.
I hate words now. Writing. Everything I used to enjoy, it's hard to enjoy.

Signs of depression, yes.

I'm not gonna lie, I've been battling depression and suicidal thoughts for months now.
Battling? Well, yeah. It's a battle. It's a war.

Years, I've been really unhappy with life.
Deep down inside, I know I was never happy.

And when I finally felt 'happy', being hurt by this 'happy', being neglected by this 'happy', it broke me down.
More than anything ever.

Maybe it's because I've let myself out in the open to be hurt.

Some call this love, some call this infatuation: I call it obsession.
Yes, I finally realized it.

I love this person, but I know deep inside that this isn't how 'love' is supposed to be like.

If this is really 'love', then I don't want part of it once I leave it.

But somehow, I can't help but cling onto it.
I don't know. He's told me many times.
The things he said, hurtful ones, sweet ones, I listen to them, as if they're God's words.

More like the Devil's words.

I don't know why I put him so high up, clinging onto him.
I don't know.

But it's so easy to break the bond we had. He did so. Easily. Running away.

It makes me want to cry.

Heck. I just cried.

I don't know.
He's trying to make me a better person.
I appreciate that.

Just because of that, I can't talk crap about him.
Other than frustrations, whenever I try to release some of them through friends, they just assume he's the bad one. You forget that it's not like I tell you all the things between us.

I don't tell everything, so what makes it your job to try and fix it?
It's supposed to be between us both. And we can try and fix it.

If he ever wanted to try, that is.
I always tried.

He assumes, I assume.
And we clash.

I assume this, he'd assume that.
It's bound to clash.

I love my friends, but when I talk to them about him, I can't help but feel that all they want is just to put this person that I love, care about, down to the ground and just put him on a pedestal of guilt.

There are times where I just want to opt out of continuing the conversation because they talk about him, bash him like he's not human.

He is.
And he makes mistakes.

Yes, this has happened more than once, but because of that, I know how he'd react when people meddle.
I never wanted people to meddle.

I just wanted an outlet to talk to someone.

Now I learn that I rather talk to my sister about it.
Verbal conversations are always better for therapy.

I try my best to keep it between us two, yes.
But it's hard when he doesn't want to talk.
Granted, I ramble a lot, I rant, I can't speak straightforwardly.

He's guilty of that too, he talks to me in riddles.
I know I'm supposedly smart but when you write in riddles in a very incomprehensible way, even native speakers would be like 'wtf'.

Yes, maybe we're incompatible.
Yes, this might not last forever.

But at least, I thought, the bond we have, even as exes, we can be comfortable as friends.

At first I was reluctant to let go.
I still am.

But I know it's so unhealthy.
This 'relationship' we have. Or had.

But then, why does it matter to me.
That I should put a label on us.

No. It was fine that way. Without the label.

But my inner voice told me many times, 'Religiously, this is wrong. Just keep asking him about 'us''

But I was okay with what we had.

Slowly, I was losing that feeling.
He already did. That's what I assume.

But I was slowly working myself out of this thread. This messy red thread.
It may have just been a white thread, painted red...and it was slowly becoming pink.

But then that voice won and it all broke down.

The thread just broke. But I was still tangled.

Why does it hurt me so much?
No, not because I love him

No, it's more to how he treated our friendship.

Maybe he doesn't even want friends.

Now I'm just in this messy pink thread. Dyed red at some parts, and already white at some.

And slowly, it's getting harder to breathe.

The more I try to force myself out of it, the more it's choking me.

We always had communication problems.
He calls me a pessimist.
I am.
But he is too.

I'm a pessimist, but I'm an optimist when it comes to us.
It's stupid, I know.

I wish he'd read this, but he hates reading. I know that.
So I'm just writing this, with a small hope that he'd read it.
Empty dreams.

Wishful thinking.

He knows I'm a dreamer.
But in my dreams, I am a realist.

When I try to make something work, it usually works.

I don't mind the pain. I don't mind the hurt.
But the difference is: He doesn't want to be the one causing the hurt.

You probably won't read this, A.
But well, just so you know.

I don't tell you everything.
So technically, the belief that you know everything about me, well, drop it.

It's not true.

Even I don't really know what I am exactly.
Just like you, I mold myself into others.

Maybe that's why we clash.

I can be anything you want, really.
That's how I am.

But then, that part that's been with me for years.
That darkness.

Akin to the one you have.

This darkness.

If I followed my darkest instincts, it would be to stab your heart, take it out.
Preserve it.

Because I believe that it used to love me back.

But I can't kill you.
I rather you kill me.

So that my heart that has feelings for you would stop pining for you.

It may have stopped wanting you.

But it doesn't want to break the bond of friendship.
You're far too precious.

But then, you have many other friends that can replace me.

Unlike me.
I don't have many friends.

Family, friends, lovers.

In the end, they'll leave you anyway.

So I always put that thought that I rather die, than have them leave me.
Ever since I was small.

That being said.
I want a child I can love.

A child I can cherish.

In truth.
I don't think I have any friends.

I'm always alone.

Maybe because I don't want any friends.

Knowing that they'll cause me hurt too.

.....I'm always alone.

-Nisah-