Moving? I Hope So.

Well, if you follow me on Twitter, you might have seen me update about moving and stuff.
This was actually a sudden thing. A plan. Well, it's official to me though LOL.

My parents are still thinking about it but it was actually them discussing with my older sister.

She lives (well, right now she's back in Brunei for the holidays) in the US for at least 3 more years and I guess they discussed me moving in with her family to help out with taking care of my niece. Also, there's talk about me studying Cosmetology degree or at least some courses.

Her house is quite close to a university so it's easy I guess.

I'm actually interested in art, writing..E.Lit...but honestly, it comes and goes.

As for Cosmetology...do I know shit? No. It'd be something completely new to me.
Maybe I'll like it.

Plus I wouldn't mind learning. I am constantly discovering new things as I apply makeup. Like today, my eyeliner wings were a bit more bold and evil looking LOL. And I changed up my foundation routine. Well, I always do. I rotate them a lot but dammit, two breakouts ;-;

I'm not very adventurous with my makeup I guess, mostly because I wear glasses 99% of the time. With my astigmatism, wearing lenses generally strain me more than help me. Plus I only wear lenses when I do some costume looks.


Moving to the US for a little while would be a welcome change for me.
The more I stay here, honestly, my anxiety is getting worse. I'm not as depressed like before. I was told to take my anti-depressants but I really don't want to :(

Maybe just for anxiety.


I'm scared at the thought of going to uni with no one I know, no friends, everything is fresh.

Unlike my Japan stay back in 2008, I feel like I'm not as brave as I was back then.
I feel small.

Scared.


Depression changed me.
Or maybe Japan changed me.


I'm scared, even though my sister will be there :(

Well, it's also very far from here.
Travelling...ugh, I have motion sickness, even two hour flights kill me!


Also, my favourite kitten died last Sunday.
I blame myself for it, really.
I still can't get over it. Slowly, I am.

But it's a bit traumatic for me...I feel like I've failed the mother cat.

It's the first kitten death under my care (officially).

Man, I really don't wanna cry again. Ha.


Anyway, tomorrow/today we're having a family BBQ, I marinated some chicken and lamb stuff. I hope it tastes good. My chicken will compete with mom's. I have a smaller portion though.

If mine tastes good, people will just have to share!


I've been busy taking care of the niece and nephew :)
I don't mind it one bit, well, except when they cry and I don't know what's wrong D:

And their poo-poo.

No.

Anyway, bought this:

Glazed Apple Hand Cream BND8.90

I'm kinda bummed they don't have the body butters separately.

They only have it in a small kit that's like BND19.90 and a big kit that's BND89...something.

( ;-; ) how is that a good deal?? It's not like everything's full sized :< well, okay, maybe 3 out of 4 of it are full sized...but still.

I'd buy it if it was BND69 maybe lol. Well, maybe.

I just splurged on some MUG Vegas Collection...so of course, I can't.

Sorry for the rambling, just in the mood for it.

( '-' ) I'm kinda half-down. I forced myself to workout for 3 days straight, so I'm less prone to hormonal outbursts. I am late though. My period I mean.

I guess it's stress.

Or the anti-depressants.


Anyway, I need to sleep.


'til then, take care!

-Nisah-

A moment of peace, that's all I'm asking.

I've had terrible mood swings for a long time now.

Sometimes, it's just a day or two's worth of depression or stress.
Sometimes, it's just irritability, anger and the feeling of wanting to hit or throw things.
Sometimes it's just tears, all day, every day, tears.

For no reason.

Sometimes...it's all of that, and it lasts a long time.


I'm so tired of it.

I've mentioned it to my parents, that I want it checked. A gynaecologist , or something, even going back to seeing psychiatrists. Heck, I even asked for religious help since the beginning of the year.

But none came.

I would have to depend on the person I love, to at least be by my side, just walking around with him, talking to him, it would help prevent such episodes.

Unfortunately he's unavailable, and it's not his fault. I'm just at my worst when he can't help.



Last month, when my parents were away for two weeks, I noticed that I had a smooth month. I didn't even fight with my sister, I didn't have any issues.

Except for one day, but it was just a short sad period. I was okay, still.


I'm not saying that my parents caused this, maybe they did, but what I know is that they make it...worse.


I know, I know when it comes.

It comes before my period, during my period...and I noticed that it's the worse when I'm ovulating (I have the app for it).

I took note of this.

I know, I KNOW that it's related to it.

Is it hormones?


You've heard of PMS, but if it's PMS, why is it so, so horrible for me.

Why does it last for so long.


And it goes away, for a bit.


And comes back during my next cycle.


I've even said to my mom I want my ovaries out.


I wanted to go have it checked.

I wanted to have it checked.



But my mom always said: "You're not married yet, you don't have these problems."


"It's not possible for you to have these problems."



I just want to be normal.



I don't want to depend on medication to live.


But it won't go away.



I just want to live peacefully.
To have mood swings that don't last long, that cause strain in my relationships.


To not hurt others while I'm hurting.


But my family is just making it worse.




Not only do they pretend to not hear me when I explain to them that I'm tired of hurting them, they tell me:

"Grow up. You're being immature."

"It's the Devil."

"Stop crying, you're old enough."


"You've been normal for a long time, why now."

"Why start again now."


"Can't you control yourself? You're old enough to control yourself."


"You have a black heart."

"You're like this because you're you."



"You're just evil inside."





I'm so, so tired of listening to this, when I already told them how hard I've tried to control it all these months of so called "normalcy".


I've tried.


It's just that this time, it just won't. go. away.




It just won't go away.



I feel like the only way to stop it is by dying.


Maybe it'll finally stop. This pain.


This monthly torture.



I'm calm now. A little.


But who knows if it'll come back again.


It did before.

It did, yesterday, five times, with some moments of calm... then the storm.



I can't force myself to sleep, no matter how tired I am.




I've been praying to be normal.


I can't have a normal life if I don't know when I'll break.

It's so predictable, yet so unpredictable.



I don't know when it'll be the awful one that lasts so long.




I called the Psychiatry and they can't help me. They want to talk to my family.

My family caused me to call them.


It's a stupid cycle.



I called my brother and he can't let me stay at his place with his family.


Even though I told him staying here will eventually drive me crazy.



They look at me, like I'm disgusting. Like I'm evil.



I didn't choose to be born like this.



I didn't choose to be like this.




I didn't choose this body that has so many problems.









Stop blaming me.


I didn't choose this family.

I don't need sleep.

...I was gonna sleep but I kept thinking about death.
It's been a few days since it's like that. I wasn't depressed.
Well, now I am.


It's nothing too bad. I can still control it, so far...
I decided to do chores like laundry and feeding the cats, cleaning the area, washing some dishes, etc.

Kinda feel like playing games too.


Sleepy...but I'd rather do some stuff, y'know.



I wanted to clean my room and organise my makeup but my room's just too small for this.
Makes me wanna have a small room just for makeup.


Sigh.

Kinda contemplating on selling my still new UD Naked 2 because I have the MUA 'Undress Me Too' that I won from a giveaway held by Ka Sheila. It's not the same payoff, I'm sure (well based on reviews online, plus UD makes awesome shadows) but then again, I don't think I need it. I WANT to keep it for the sake of keeping it. I bought that as a birthday present for myself.

...but it's like, I kinda want MORE.


I'm eyeing this new palette I saw last night.


I don't even know about the colour payoff yet.

It's just that...I want it.



I told myself after Balm Voyage, I'll stop, but this palette is just...so cute.


Limited edition too.


But forget about that.

I'm just frustrated because I have less space now.
If I organise my makeup space well, I can at least use my makeup in a good balanced rotation.


The only palette I've made a dent on is the Sleek Au Naturel, which is funny because it doesn't WOW me. I just love to use it lol.


My sister gave me (I think I mentioned this) three of her TooFaced palettes and one Sephora (although I've convinced her to take it back because it was a gift from her hubby) so that added to my collection SIGNIFICANTLY.

Interestingly, the only palette I liked so far was the Sephora one LOL.


A review will come soon hopefully.


Makeup kinda made me depressed. Well, it added to it.


Maybe I can get a new vanity place. Or a better drawer for them.


( =_= ) sigh.




Well, maybe I should take a nap.

I don't wanna break.


'til then, take care!

-Nisah-

Giving Oreo Away...

...was the worst feeling/decision ever.

I can't lie.
Couldn't sleep the whole night and I kept crying every time I tried to sleep.


I guess it was the stress of it all.
Giving two kittens away, then one of them coming back accidentally caused one of the worst things ever: Shyla being shunned by her four remaining kittens.

They hissed, they jumped everywhere, I screamed. It was painful to watch.
Seeing Socks, the small kitten actually JUMP OFF the roof out of fear and shock was just too much for me.

What turned out to be a day where Oreo was supposed to be given away turned into one of the worst days ever.

I had to keep Shyla in the house somehow, it was hard. She didn't want to sleep in my room, she didn't want to sleep outside at the hall.

I was awake all night, trying not to let her cry too much.

The person who was supposed to pick up Oreo on that dreadful night couldn't make it.
I actually forgot that I asked if she could pick him up the next day.

Difficult, it was, because I already took Oreo away from the cage he shared with Fini and Megan, to bathe him.
Trying to reintroduce him was hard.

But thankfully it was fine.

I was busy the next day. Family function and trying to reunite Shyla and the kittens.



When she suddenly texted that she was gonna come by that night, I felt surprised and quite sad.

Originally, after playing with Oreo and letting him roam around, I was going to text her to cancel the whole adoption (if you're reading this somehow, I really was) because I thought she was going to pick him up next Saturday.

When she said that she was gonna pick him up, I was a bit devastated.
It was hard to say no when she's already on the way to pick him up from a far place.


I was tired, Oreo was everywhere, on me, on my dad, my mom...it seemed like he knew.
Already so emotionally stressed, I just played with him, humoured him as much as possible.


But toward the end, when Shyla's already reunited with the kittens, Oreo started being evasive, hiding under the couch. My dad said that he probably have sensed that he was gonna be given away.


He was really struggling when we finally managed to catch him. He was really running away.

When I gave him away, I was really reluctant.

Deep down, I knew, if I said, "No, you can't have him."
Then I'll be breaking my promise.


But it was heartbreaking seeing him ram the carrier they brought to place him in.
He was really, really trying to get away, with his sad 'meows' I've heard other cats cry out when they're adopted.


I really wanted to cry but I didn't let myself.

My dad was all like, "Why did you give him away? He was perfectly fine with the rest of the cats."
Mom was acting like that too.

It was just too much for me.
I started crying when I was praying that night.

I wanted him to have a better place to stay, where he can play around better.
My family is not keen on having the cats roam around despite being housecats, which I think was unfair.

It was giving me too much stress.
I get easily depressed but this, this burden they let me carry on my own.


I've put Oreo up for adoption for a long time and no one wanted him.
When I felt that it was maybe a sign for him to be adopted, I quickly offered him, without even thinking.


I'm an emotional wreck, mentally and physically exhausted too.
Wtf did I do?


I'm just crying right now.


Not being able to sleep, every time I tried to sleep, I see Oreo and Fini in the hammock, snuggled together and I fucking broke them apart.

Fini might be pregnant and I took away the father of the kittens.

WTF DID I DO.


I couldn't sleep a wink, I know I should but I can't.

I started getting early signs of depression again.
Like, one of the worst kinds, like the one I had dealing with my ex.


I am just very, very sad.


I asked my dad as I fed the cats, "Can I ask for Oreo back?"

He said no, as it's very rude to do so after they came for him from a far place.



I wasn't emotionally ready when I received the text.
I was ready to say goodbye to him the other day, not yesterday.


I could have said "No." but the me who tries to honour my promises can't do that.


But I really want to ask for Oreo back.

But is that a wise decision when I'm in this emotional wreck state?



I guess everything is meant to happen for some other reason.


Having one of our 'babies' taken away, God has (hopefully) given us another.
This time, a baby that we have all been waiting for.


When I was writing this, my sister knocked on my door and told me to check my phone.
"Our sister's pregnant."


She has been waiting for this baby for a long time.
She was against me giving away Oreo but I told her, "Maybe it's for the best."



I don't know what to think.


I'm a mix of emotions.
I'm sad, happy...bittersweet.



Giving away a cat and God gives us a baby? (Actually, three cats if you count the two kittens)
Please, please, I pray for a safe pregnancy.

She has been waiting for this baby for a long time.


It's still early but please, let this be realised.


Amin.
Alhamdulillah.


I just don't wanna be depressed anymore.



It's a vicious cycle.





And I'm tired of it.

Really tired of it.


-Nisah-

My YouTube Channel Recommendations Pt. 1

You know what can easily make me happy when I'm super down?

Well, other than my anti-depressants (I stopped taking them btw, my own choice), looking up videos on YouTube helps! That, and also ranting on my blog.

Well I'm gonna recommend some Youtubers that actually can make my day!

Here's the list and I'll also give some reasons why and when I discovered them :)

---Gaming Channels---

1) BlueXephos

I found out about this channel randomly while I was browsing for videos on YouTube via my phone. It was around late 2011, because I remember just recently getting my Galaxy S2 then. I was depressed everyday, and nothing seemed to help. So one day, while I was browsing the 'Featured' or 'Popular' videos, this particular video popped up:

Back then I knew about Minecraft (I did play the game with my friend and actually recorded them) and I realized I've actually seen one of their videos, but this particular one stood out the most. Interestingly, I have never watched their most popular series 'Shadow of Israphel' when this popped up.

So I clicked it.

...and the rest is history.

Interesting fact was that I never subscribed to them at first. I only kept searching for new episodes. 

This was because back then, I only subscribed to music or beauty channels. But this was the first gaming channel I remember subscribing to.

Then I became addicted to them and laughter helped me a lot. 

I usually watch them before I went to sleep.

They were like bedtime stories to me (they technically are).

Here are some more recent videos that made my day(s) :D

and

Well, hope you enjoyed them!

I'm also subscribed to most Yogscast members too, so do check them out!

Next, we have~

2) zXNoRegretzzXz

I found him via Minecraft. I was searching for an interesting series to watch, and I stumbled across this! Back then, I love videos that had parts to watch because it made it more fun, and you look forward to things. Trust me, when you're depressed, having something to look forward to helps. A lot.

This was my first video by Kevin:

This is a really fun series (for me, anyway) and I'm really drawn to his voice :D

This is quite engaging for me, so it helped a lot.
Unfortunately, he hasn't been making many series that catches my attention because another YouTuber is busy doing that (you'll find out soon)

But he does make many fun videos :D

Like this :D

and this

Coming up:

3) ChaoticMonki

This is Cry :) I don't know how he looks like. No one does. But his voice, everyone loves. It was my friend who introduced me to him, gushing about his voice. I was like "What, who, what, where?" and she linked me this:

Honestly my first reaction was "What?"

But as the video progressed, as the game progressed...I became hooked.

There was something about his narrative that was....dare I say? Hypnotic.

Here are some of my favourite videos/series by him :)

and also~

Oh, notice that I linked many RPGMaker-like games? Well, he does awesome commentary on them. Definitely check them out :D

Oh, and his The Walking Dead Game series too :D (Check out Yogscast Hannah's series of it too, it's good)

Last but not least....

4) PewDiePie

I remember coming across his videos...and not really liking them. I think it was because that particular video of him was like BAM! SCREAMING&STUFF I didn't like at all...I don't particularly remember what video I watched from him that made me subscribe, I think it was this:

Too bad he didn't continue this D:

It's sooo funny XD

And then I watched some parts of Heavy Rain...and some other series. Looked up his old ones and stuff.

AND THEN, THIS, THIS EXISTED:

It's a game with Cry OwO

MY FAVOURITE VIDEO EVER.
Never fails to make me laugh.

Then he started playing Fahrenheit. Watched that like an addiction.

Then, there was Bully, ZombiU...etc.

One of my favourite series~

Pewds makes a LOT of nice series. His commentaries are weirdly engaging and the running jokes (especially BARRELS) never fail to make me giggle.

So yes, Pewds has been the one nomming all my attention (but BlueXephos is and will always be my go-to "anti-depressants")

---

So yeah, that's part 1 of my YouTube Channel Recommendations :D

I only put these 4 because the discovery of their channels really helped me fight my depression, so yeah, they have a special place in my heart :)

I hope that they'll continue to make interesting series that would make my days worth living (I know, it's sad but it's true. We all cope different ways)

The next part would be Beauty Channels I guess. Not necessarily to fight depression but just good ones I think is good :D

So yeah, that's it!

Take care!

-Nisah-

Yes, I Did Overdose.

*If you don't like morbid posts, skip this*

After months, more than a year since my last overdose, I overdosed again last Saturday, it was the  8th of February. It is now the 21st of February. How many days has it been?

2 weeks.

14 days.

Many hours, minutes, seconds have passed.

Did I get rushed to the ER like last time?
No. I did not.

Because on that day, I really wanted to die.

I took 10 tablets of 100mg of my medication. Took them, and cried. Again, I took 1000mg of my anti-depressants. Last time I consumed 20 tablets.

After it settled in my stomach, I just stared the palm I used to try kill myself.
And slowly, it dawned to me that I did it again.


I did it around 5pm that day, or earlier, because after that I took a long shower and washed away all my tears. Pretending as if everything was okay, I went ahead and fed my cats. After that was done, I went to my room, turned off the lights, wrote a note and dozed off to sleep.

I think I was really mean that day.

I said goodbye to some of my friends while keeping my family out of the loop.


For the first time I really thought I was gonna die.

I got knocked out after a few minutes.


I thought that after I have fallen asleep, I won't wake up anymore.

Honestly, I procrastinated from doing it for 2 days.

But for a reason, on that day, I didn't care anymore.


I really thought I was gonna die.


But alas, Death decided to punish me instead.


I remember my mom coming to my room while I was half-asleep, she didn't suspect anything. I remember that there was a family event that night. A birthday.

I, of course, did not go.

Telling her that I was dizzy, I just stayed in bed.


I forgot what really happened, but in the end, my friend told me to tell my mom.

She came to my room, after I called her, and pointed to the tablets on my table. I refused to say anything.

And she just asked me "Why?"

"If you really want to die I won't stop you. But I'm praying that you live."


Well, darn it. I did.


Around 4-5am, I kind of heard someone come into my room. It was my mom (I asked her in the morning), checking up on me to see if I died.


Well, screw it.

I fucking failed.



I felt kind of disappointed that I didn't die. Apparently, it's not my time yet.



I didn't go see a doctor. I refused to.

I thought I was fine, that I'll just let the medicine just leave my body in a few days.

But now, it's obvious that something is not right.


For a week, I've been experiencing very bad headaches, erratic heartbeat that leads to difficulty in breathing, even right now, as I'm typing, it is with great difficulty.

The weirdest thing I noticed is that it starts around the same time, every single day.

Around 4-5pm, I'll start getting dizzy spells that put pressure on my head, oxygen would get knocked out of my system for a few seconds, I feel suffocated.

Even now.

And something's wrong with my throat too.

I get hot and cold spells. At first I thought that it was normal.
But it's lasting a while.


On the day I took Shyla to the vet, I collapsed right in front of the vet.

Everything around me was spinning and I dropped down on the road next to the car.
I felt as if something heavy was dropped on me.


Something took my breath away.


For that moment I thought I was gonna die.


Mom then decided that after taking Shyla to the vet, I should get a check-up too.

There were a lot of patients that day.

When it came to my turn, it was the doctor I'm used to seeing. I broke down and told her the truth. She knows that I've been struggling with stress, depression and even stomach problems.

I really did not want to see her.

Because I knew that no medicine would work.

She gave me some meds to fight the nausea and dizziness but none of them worked.



I actually feel like throwing up right now.


I'm so dizzy and I can barely breathe.


I doubt doctors would want to help me now since it was my own choice to destroy my body.

I don't know what actually happened to my stomach, but it hurts more than usual.

I lost 2kg in a week (gaining it back though but I'm frequently throwing up still)


.....really, I don't know what I'm supposed to do.

Should I just let it be?

Isn't that the same like suicide?



I can't think straight, you see.


My mood swings are even worst now.


Some days I can barely wake up.


Waking up, I feel like it's another death sentence.

Around 5pm, I'll get the same symptoms.

Until I fall asleep, it'll stay.


Nothing can make it go away.

Nothing can.


I'm getting sick of being sick.


I really want to throw up right now.




So dizzy.





Even if I didn't die, I'm dead inside. Dying inside literally too.

I feel as if my stomach is breaking down.

I don't know.


My brain, too.

I know.


The chemicals aren't stable now, are they?



What's gonna happen to me?

I don't know.



I just can't breathe right now.

Plus my hair is falling in large clumps now.


-Nisah-

I Killed Myself

By cutting my hair.

They say the life of a woman lies on their hair.
The length of their hair. The health, the shine, etc.

It's our crown.
So I cut it.

In a sense, I "killed" myself.

It wasn't a drastic cut like I did before. I had a breakdown and I just chopped off most of my hair back then.

Today, when I did it, I just felt very down and depressed.

I wanted an asymmetrical cut and yeah, I got it.

Snip. Snip. Snip.

Yeah, I could say that I barely felt anything as I cut my hair. I kept it long for a reason.

I wanted to keep my bangs long but then I just decided to cut it.

SNIP.

I look dead, don't I?

I feel dead.

Now, that made me younger a bit. Yeah?

All the breaking down is good.

No. It's not. I'm joking.

I nearly poked my eye with the scissors today.

I feel like part of the burden is gone.

But another one came up.

Do YOU cut your own hair for fun? Or to release stress/tension/depression?

Take care.

Do join my giveaway if you haven't. It ends in a few days.

-Nisah-

I am in someone else's womb...

It started off good, today. Well, I woke up late so I couldn't go to the lecture. But it was fine because I was meeting good friends in the afternoon. It was fine, it was fine.

I had a good dream where there was this superstore that sold everything. From Etude House, to TheFaceShop, SkinFood....everything. It was just one superstore. It was one big dream, then somehow crushed into something.

The trees outside my window was burning, everything was burning right in front of my eyes. I tried looking for Shyla but I found that she escaped and got caught by dogs.

I couldn't save her.

I woke up to my mom's call. I was dead to the world. Woken up by a phone call, asking "Are you going to lecture today?"

...
It was too late.

I woke up with bad chest pains. I had a bad dream.

I took my meds. It took a while to wake up.

I live on medication.
And I'm still so young.

Why do I let one mere person affect me so?
Why am I letting one mere 'ant' affect me so?

I couldn't save 'her'.
Nor could I save myself.


I'm already broken.
You can't break what's already broken.

It just keeps breaking.

And breaking.


....and breaking.

No matter how good you try to put them back together, in the end, it'll still break.

Because it's broken.


People ask me why I am willing to give gifts to strangers, help people out so freely, just give freely...give gifts to someone I barely know.

It's because if I can make someone happy, even for just a second, at least I know, my waking, breathing days still have meaning.

I want to be able to make someone happy.

Even when I'm unhappy.

Say, through a song.
You're having a rough day, you feel like crying, you listen to it and it makes you smile.

I want that.

Or read a book that I wrote and you laugh.

I want that.


I want that.
I really want that.


But I'm broken.

I'm broken.


My mom's tired of it. I'm sure she wished I was never born. I'm nothing but trouble.

I'm the bad apple.

I'm the black sheep.


I want to give what I can to people who need it.
Just before I decay away.

I'm decaying away....

Absence, Leave and Medication

Hey :) it's been a while, hasn't it? It's a shame I haven't been blogging because a lot of things have happened between the last time I blogged until today. Or rather, yesterday. As you can see from the title, I'll be talking about all three in this post. Maybe some random things here and there too.

First of all, the last time I blogged was 1st of September. Now it's already the 23rd of October. That's a long time :( I really can't recall most of the things that happened, to be honest.

Ever since that day, I've been going to every single place except for university to get myself in better health. I went back to my psychiatrist to deal with my depression, I went to some religious healers to deal with the spirits that's been bothering me (highlight it if you want to see it) and then I was hospitalized around the 21st of September due to chronic stomach pains. I couldn't take staying at the hospital for a long time so I told them I wanted to be discharged early. I was alone, sad and physically in pain. No one really visited and actually stayed to accompany me for a while. In the end all I could do was read some ebooks.

Ironically enough, I was reading 'My Sister's Keeper', which is about a girl, Anna, who wants to get rights to her own body by bringing her parents to court. It's also about a cancer patient, her sister, Kate. It's an interesting read (if you haven't watched the movie). I haven't finished reading it though.

Since then, I've been going back and forth from private clinics to public hospitals and then back to a private hospital. I felt like Kate. I don't want to rely on medication and hospitals though. Today I met up with a specialist from said private hospital. It was expensive ( u_u ) mom even said that she might need to get me health insurance.

The amount of medicine I have to take multiplied like hell today. You can see on the snapwidget on the left. That's not even the most of it.

....I'm actually suffering one of those abdominal pains as I'm typing right now lol but I shall carry on.

What I've been suffering is: throwing up regularly every time I eat and abdominal pain that comes and goes like hell. It's been nearly 2 months now. I actually lost weight because of this.

Some people may think it's nothing serious. Heck, sometimes, I try to convince myself it's nothing serious but, it's a bit abnormal, don't you think?

Why all of a sudden?
Why now?

I don't know why. Is it related to my depression? To be honest, all the throwing up and stomach pains actually make the depression worse.

It makes me think of a certain someone.
How I wished that person was here with me.

Because sometimes, I feel so suicidal just to convince my family that I need medical help.

You see, I've been having ups and downs just to convince them, to take me to the hospital. My dad doesn't like the hospital much and my mom has been really busy with her work. The thing with my dad is that he gets on my nerves.

Nowadays, I'd rather him not be there when I'm at the hospital or on the way to he hospital. Just because, he stresses me up too much. It's a lovehate relationship. I'm happier when he's not around me when I'm ill. But I like it if we're just going out of dinner with the family and stuff. Shopping and stuff.

But with health stuff: NO THANK YOU.

Mom, as much as I appreciate her being there when she's available, she's getting on my nerves as well. I don't know if it's my hormones going wild or that the pain has made me just irritable, even the way she talks sounds offensive to me.

But either way, I'm just slumped with all these things happening to me.
Sometimes, just sometimes...

...I'd rather die.

It's the kind where it's like, "I don't wanna wake up nor sleep" kind of thing.

Sure, part of the blame is that I'm impatient.

But I've been patient way too much. They kept delaying and delaying going to see the doctor.
See where it's brought me?

To more hospital visits.


The worst thing is I guess, both my depression and my sickness has forced me to stop attending university altogether. I thought it was for the best but sometimes, I think it was a wrong decision. Even resting at home, I get stressed and depressed by my family.

What's home to rest in if it causes you distress instead?


Now, they've started using the reason that I'm not attending university as a means to strip me off of my laptop and stuff.

Seriously, how can I not be stressed and depressed when it's so depressing at home and everywhere I go?

Sometimes I'm surprised I'm still alive.
There were nights, when I wanted to go to the hospital because it hurt so much and they gave a blind eye to it, I contemplated stabbing my stomach BECAUSE it hurt that much.

No amount of tears managed to make them take me to the hospital then.

Thankfully, now I'm getting proper help. Or something similar.

But my family will still try to make me feel bad. With all the medical costs.

If I had the money, of course I'd pay for myself. I would.


Mom even had the nerve of asking if I threw up on purpose D: BEFORE today's appointment. I got so insulted and stressed, my head started hurting. Even until now.

I think I'm having a fever.

I should rest.


I'm really craving for potatoes right now. And sushi.

But I'm afraid of wasting them when I have to throw up.


I hate wasting food and for the last 2 months, I have.


Now I have to deal with medicines. Lots of them. Until my next appointment.

I'm gonna have a colonoscopy and endoscopy to check my intestines and stomach.

Hopefully they'll find out why my abdomen's been hurting and that I've been throwing up everything I eat.



Hopefully all is better soon.

Soon.

Very soon.

Everything will get better.


Physically, mentally and emotionally.
Everything.

Take care, then :)

Goodnight, sweet dreams!

-Nisah-

Gifts and Things From Here and There. Stupid Depression's Back.

Honestly, I'm really not in the mood. But when I'm usually suicidal and this down, typing calms me a bit. Even just a bit is fine.

I don't know why I'm like this again but I'm really unhappy with myself. How things are.
Really wanna quit sometimes.

Quit life, I mean.

Or reset it at least.

Anyway, moving on...

Today I was supposed to go to Miri but I backed out last minute because I really wasn't feeling well. Health-wise, mental-wise...everything really.

So yeah, my parents went on their own. I asked them to get me stuff.

You know, the usuals. Something from SaSa, Guardian or Watson, Popular...yeah. The usuals.

I gave them a list of what I want.
As usual, I won't be able to get them all, haha.

But my parents really want to cheer me up (sadly, material things can't do that anymore...) so they got me double the ones I want.

 So here are the pics:

Dad got me new shoes :) the shoes I bought last time....died. After two days of wearing them to uni. Will fix that though. This is so cute :) Dunno if it'll fit my sense of style though. Maybe if I use tights or leggings and dresses to uni.

And these are from SaSa.
Ever since the Nude'tude incident , I've been more reserved of going there.

So I always have my parents go there.

But that worries me even more sometimes...

So yeah, these are the things my parents doubled after not being able to get me magazines.

sasatinnie Facial Mist Toner in Peach
theBalm Batter Up Creaseless Cream Eyeshadows in Home Plate Kate and Home Base Kit

What's this....?

Seeing as how perfect the other seal is, I couldn't help but wonder why the other one was tampered with.

Because we all know the deal with tampered seals.

That means it's been opened.

I've been paranoid with cleanliness and things ever since the whole palette thing.
My trust in SaSa went down, you see.

I wanted to give this the benefit of the doubt.

I weighed them and well, the tampered one weighed less.
I told my dad and that's when he told me that he already warned the SAs what kind of person I am.

My mom told me these two were the only ones left.
I told them they didn't have to get two :/

At least it made life easier so I can just use...the tampered one.


When I saw THIS box, dread filled me.

That box is really protected. Maximized protection that looks old.

Yeah, as you should know by now, I'm very nitpicky at small details.

Even my dad told the SA's about how very picky I am with details and you know what, they KNOW I am. They remember the whole palette thing.

So, I can say that they know I'm difficult to please.

But you know, I do credit them where credit is due.
If you treat me right, I'll treat YOU right.

I only wanted either one of them or any colour really, but my parents decided to get both that I mentioned.

Wow. Thanks.

These were 50% off so that's good.

Why?

You'll see in a minute.

Inside it looks nice. There's this weird dent on the covers but it seems like it's both consistent.

Then my worst fear is confirmed.

The product shrunk away from the sides.

Home Base Kit more than the other one though.

See?

 As a person who values perfection in new things I get, I got a bit annoyed. LOL.

But it's funny because the box for this looks very new. I guess it happened while in the plane?

The one with the scary box on the other hand...

Looks just fine.

It shrank just a bit but not noticeable unless you really look at it.

Almost....perfect?

So I tried them both, hoping the shrinking didn't affect them.

I thought it worked fine.

I layered the similar Nude'tude shades on them and they really made them more vibrant!!

To see if it creased or not, or affected by sweat, I decided to exercise.

After exercising, it didn't crease nor fade!! I have the oiliest eyelids ever too.

But then I can't really judge. It was just 2 hours or so.

I'm more excited about the golden one :) looks very nice on my skintone.

That's it from Miri :)

A 'haul' via my parents.


Next, let's move on to the souvenirs I got from my sisters' trip abroad:

My sis got these silicone oven mitts from Singapore :) It's a crocodile!!

Secondly, she got this cookie presser thing.

My other older sis got this for me from her Phuket trip.

That's a lot of things to get in a day, no?

You'd think I'd be very happy and cheered up, no?


Don't think of me as ungrateful :(
But these didn't seem to lift my spirits as much as I hoped it would.


I was depressed all day long.
I couldn't study. I couldn't do work.

I just sat and felt horrible. All day long.

I tried to do work but I couldn't.

Exercising didn't help either.
Nothing did.


Tonight I broke down again.

I couldn't calm myself down, I'm so worried about my life in university.

It's gonna be affected by these things....this depression, this inability to focus.

Especially my Literature subjects.

I mean, I enjoy Literature a lot.

To not be able to focus and comprehend things frustrates me.


I don't know. Should I start taking meds again?

Should I?


The only thing that calmed me down in the end was holding a knife.


I don't know what's wrong with me anymore.






Hm.

Well, take care then.

Goodnight...

-Nisah-

Ups and Downs: The Dangers of Mood Swings

Sigh, with the title, you'd expect a scientific approach at something.
Well, unfortunately, you're not gonna get that *sadface*

You know why? Because I don't play that way.
I kid. I DO look up things online. That's why I'm getting paranoid about me having PCOS. You know what that is? It's 'Polycystic Ovary Syndrome'. I don't want to delve into that right now but if you look it up, you'd see why I'm quite worried about it. I actually cried thinking I might not have kids. That's why I rather have it checked now.

I've been wanting to have it checked by my parents keep saying no. Or rather, tries to find all the excuses and reasons in the world as to why they don't wanna take me to the hospital. My dad's most overused excuse is: "You're gonna be waiting 3 hours at the hospital like a stupid person."

My mom is actually really busy but I can't help but find her excuses grating to my ears.
I know it's Mother's Day tomorrow but what I feel toward my mom right now, it makes me wish I wasn't born.

The animosity I feel toward my mom right now makes me glad I didn't win the main prizes of the Etude House Essay Competition. Because I really don't feel like I love her as much. I got one of the consolation prizes but right now, don't feel like getting it. I planned to give it to my mom but the way she just treated me made me feel like getting stuff and then just slapping her with it.

I have a hard time, and I mean VERY HARD TIME expressing myself nowadays.
I kinda stutter, only one or two words come out. I can't form a proper sentence.
It made me feel like all those psychiatric visits are wasted seeing as how my parents are still the same as ever.

I know, in their heads, they want normalcy.
They wish their born-smart-but-lazy daughter was normal. Liked normal things like other kids, ever since I was small. I was different when I was small. I knew I was.

They couldn't understand my love for art, my enthusiasm for music or my desire to learn dance and acting. I used to want to be a ballerina, but my parents didn't let me. So I grew up fat. When I told them I wanted to learn music, they'd say no. Maybe sure, we didn't have money, they did have 5 other kids to support. But even now, they're against me pursuing music.

When I told them I want to be an artist, a painter, they'd just shake their heads. So having been shot down all the time, I just made believe that I wanted to become a scientist.

I didn't even know what scientists did. I just continued to tell people that's what I wanted to do, even when I felt more at home acting and performing. Voice-acting, everything, I still love them, even now. But my passion for it is dying very fast.

It's funny how they always contradict themselves.
Saying they never did say no to the things I wanted to do.
"No" is always their first answer.

Because of "No", I started throwing tantrums. I became a child that likes to cry, scream, shout and throw things. Even as an adult, I unfortunately feel like I have not changed at all. Just like today, I felt like throwing things, but I didn't have anything to throw.

I used to throw my glasses. I had lots of glasses that I had to change because I broke the frame.

Looking at my niece and nephew, I feel resentful. When they misbehave, all I want to do is shout at them, pinch them, sometimes, I feel compelled to hit them.

I don't like feeling that way but I know, in the past, that's how my dad fixes things.

He would use the belt and whip me. Slapped me. He even smashed my head against a mirror once. And it broke. Of course. And my wrist got a cut from the shattered glass. I have a feeling he might have even kicked me.

I was raised through that kind of way.

I didn't even know they weren't supposed to do that. Until now. I feel hatred toward him sometimes.
I don't think it's fair. Now he preaches that we need to care for the kids with kind words and good examples.

Well, too late for that, dad.

I love you and all, but did you know what you did to me was wrong?
Yes, I was a difficult child.

I know some of my friends went through the same treatment. You'd think it'd make us behave well? Well, apparently it didn't. I still throw tantrums, heck, even worse than before. Rather than call it tantrums, I think they're more like manic episodes.

They never admitted, nor did they realize that I've been going through these cycles of depression and tantrums since I was young. I remember when I was 11 or 12, I threw a lot of tantrums. I was very suicidal. I keep telling them I would kill myself.

I don't think it's normal. I never thought it was normal, but I asked myself "If my parents are not doing anything about it, I guess it's normal?"

*screen starts to look blurry*

Yes, I'm fucking crying.

I keep asking myself, when I have kids, would I hurt them? Would my episodes of depression hurt them?
I keep telling myself I shouldn't have kids, even if I really wanted them.

Because I know, I'll just be like this.
And I can't be fixed.

I don't like this.
I made a promise to my ex that I wouldn't hurt myself anymore, and I don't intend to.

But with this difficulty I have to face, with family not caring even when I already asked for help.
It's hard.

To think we were once close, closer than now.
I can't trust them anymore.

It made me realize the more I was exposed to the world, I don't think families are like this.

A family would help you, try to make you feel better.
Not deny that you need help and that you're normal and you just need to grow up.

I am fucking 21 now, I had to endure years of me hating myself because nobody wanted to help me. I blamed myself for being like this since was young, since I was 5.

Now that I went for help, you still want to disbelieve the fact that I had to take anti-depressants and that I went to see a psychiatrist.

That I had stayed in a mental ward two times.

The doctor already told me, if my family does not co-operate, the surroundings can't make me better.
Heck, there was a time I'd rather stay at school than go home.

Because I don't want to see them, don't want to be with them.

One doctor asked if I've been abused sexually. No.
Mentally, physically, yes. Emotionally, yes.

I also told them I used to fall down the stairs very often. Maybe I hit my head hard. I don't even remember.

I hate my family.

I really do.
And I doubt I can fully love them anymore.

I really want to run away or die.

When they tell me family would be there for you, and friends would leave.
They lied.

What can I do if both family and friends leave me?
Maybe I should have learned to be a lone wolf like he did.

But I live on emotions.

So now, I think. I think....

I think the only way is to die.














And those are the dangers of mood swings.


-Nisah-

P.S: Happy Mother's Day to the mommies that actually care for their children.

Depression, Desperation and Possession

I've always been dealing with depression all my life. Ever since I was small. I remembered being so angry at a lot of things, and always sad a lot of times too. I've thought about ending my life ever since I was small, maybe around 7 or so, it started. I was that kid that threw tantrums, throwing things around, screaming and shouting, etc. I was just that.

I wasn't happy with a lot of things and most of the time, I don't even know why.

I've only realized how much it affected me last year. Three big things happened to me. I turned 20, had my first relationship and was facing a very important exam that would change my life, or rather, decide what society would do to someone like me.

I feared a lot of things. Of course people feared a lot of things.

Some people fear success, darkness, being alone...etc, I feared change the most.

I despised change, but I also yearned it too. I was unhappy with myself. I always tried to conform to what people wanted, but at the same time, I was rebellious. I didn't fear speaking my own mind, I can be rude if I wanted to. But I always end up regretting.

I realized there was a pattern. Especially starting last year. I don't know if it was the fear of my boyfriend (ex now) or losing him during that time, but I knew there was something wrong with me. Deep down inside. I came to depend on him way too much that it was unhealthy. I loved being cared for but he wasn't the type that was that sensitive to say the least. I appreciated him though, there were a lot of things I wouldn't have done without his support. Or his push.

But being in a relationship was dangerous for someone like me.

He came to understand that in the end. That's why he left.

That constant need for attention, I knew was unhealthy but it kept me from being sad and depressed.

That was why I easily fell into depression when he chooses to ignore me or run away from me.

Ugh. Anyway, I don't want to be reminding myself of that.

Well last year, I decided to get help.

I went to see a psychiatrist, I've lived in a mental ward twice.
I overdosed on my anti-depressants once.
I took 20 pills.
I had to take activated charcoal to flush my system free from the toxins.

Why did I do that?
Because I had a very strong fear of getting hurt.
It suffocated me so much.

During those moments, I had stopped praying, I almost became a non-believer. I had so many doubts.

I kept asking God why, why did He give me all these talents: singing, writing, drawing but gave me such a weak character that easily gives up.

Every little setback, I get so easily flustered. I wasn't so happy with myself.
I get scared so easily.

I knew I was pathetic. So pathetic. I hated myself.

I never liked myself, you know.
I always felt like I was nothing compared to others.

Everyone had the drive. I had none.
I get so easily shamed.

My ex hated that part of me too. I was sure.

I can shower everyone with love so freely, so happily but I couldn't even love myself.

I can show support to everyone, encourage them, but I could not do that to myself.

I thought I could only be a supporter in the shadows.

I'd give up my dreams to help others in need. Like what I'm doing now.
I'm more content with it though.

Like helping Hide write songs, because I knew I couldn't play instruments.
It made me discover I might just have a knack of writing even better than before.
I never made songs that I liked to sing to, so I was happy there are songs I can keep singing on my own because I liked it so much.

I wish for music to just come and play while I sing.

I've lost the drive to draw but I've been trying to draw more nowadays.
Push myself.

As for writing, writing this blog is enough for now. As long as I can still type and kind of illustrate my feelings with words, I'll be fine.

Rather than doing nothing like before, I've been keeping myself busy in front of the computer. I rarely watch TV now, just browsing, trying to get inspired. At the same time, write new songs to present to Hide and see what he can do with it.

Or to Tea.

Sounds so happy no?

I wish.

Well, as of now, something from the past is haunting me again.
Possession.

It's funny how I'm feeling it again once I just started being pious. It's like, they don't want me to find light.
I'm possessed?

Or rather, in the process of possession.

I'm still sane right now, but I can feel myself losing consciousness from time to time, spouting hateful and hurtful comments to my family. Without being able to stop, trying to push their buttons to a point they might just kill me.

My dad was holding a knife when I started to just insult him, insult my mom, insult the world, the religion, the society.

I couldn't stop myself even though I knew I wasn't supposed to say it.

Then my chest would hurt so much, as if something is just trying to make it explode.

My anger was trying to come out. With anger, comes depression.

When I did stop myself, I went to my room, knowing full well, "it" was back again.

I've actually been exorcised once. Earlier this year.
I kinda felt it come out, but I felt that it didn't come out fully.

But I was calmer after that, I was so calm, I had stopped thinking about death.
For at least 2-3 months, I was suicide-thought free but I had some frustrations and anger that was still there.

But at the same time, I stopped praying. So I blame myself.

After a month of him unfriending me, cutting off contact. I was still able to control myself, not thinking about death. At all.

I was proud of myself.

But then, I stopped thinking about God.
I was cynical about it.

During the second month, then it hurt me.

It just lambasted me in the face, in the heart.
I needed to pray.

I was lost. I was desperate.

So I started to pray and it calmed me down for a while.

As the days passed by, I realized I couldn't focus at all while I pray.

It was bewildering.

I knew something was wrong. Something was inside me again.
I started losing sleep. When I was first possessed, I had recurring dreams of him, nightmares, I heard some voices and suffered insomnia. I'm losing appetite now too.

I started seeing things that just flashed for just a second.

I was so desperate to go see a healer.

I started getting angry at my parents again for being busy and not being able to help me.

They just told me to pray and I shouted at them "How can I pray when I can't even focus? When I have to stop midway because I lost count of what raka'at I was doing?? How?"

I don't know.
When I'm sane, I can articulate things well.

When I'm not, I just spout hurtful and nonsensical things.

I was aware but couldn't stop myself.

I know, if I don't get help now, it might get even worse.

I don't want to repeat what happened in the past.

I don't want to hurt myself anymore.

I want to fix this before it gets worse.

Before I start thinking about death again.

........It already has but I'm trying to stop.

-Nisah-