Depression, Desperation and Possession

I've always been dealing with depression all my life. Ever since I was small. I remembered being so angry at a lot of things, and always sad a lot of times too. I've thought about ending my life ever since I was small, maybe around 7 or so, it started. I was that kid that threw tantrums, throwing things around, screaming and shouting, etc. I was just that.

I wasn't happy with a lot of things and most of the time, I don't even know why.

I've only realized how much it affected me last year. Three big things happened to me. I turned 20, had my first relationship and was facing a very important exam that would change my life, or rather, decide what society would do to someone like me.

I feared a lot of things. Of course people feared a lot of things.

Some people fear success, darkness, being alone...etc, I feared change the most.

I despised change, but I also yearned it too. I was unhappy with myself. I always tried to conform to what people wanted, but at the same time, I was rebellious. I didn't fear speaking my own mind, I can be rude if I wanted to. But I always end up regretting.

I realized there was a pattern. Especially starting last year. I don't know if it was the fear of my boyfriend (ex now) or losing him during that time, but I knew there was something wrong with me. Deep down inside. I came to depend on him way too much that it was unhealthy. I loved being cared for but he wasn't the type that was that sensitive to say the least. I appreciated him though, there were a lot of things I wouldn't have done without his support. Or his push.

But being in a relationship was dangerous for someone like me.

He came to understand that in the end. That's why he left.

That constant need for attention, I knew was unhealthy but it kept me from being sad and depressed.

That was why I easily fell into depression when he chooses to ignore me or run away from me.

Ugh. Anyway, I don't want to be reminding myself of that.

Well last year, I decided to get help.

I went to see a psychiatrist, I've lived in a mental ward twice.
I overdosed on my anti-depressants once.
I took 20 pills.
I had to take activated charcoal to flush my system free from the toxins.

Why did I do that?
Because I had a very strong fear of getting hurt.
It suffocated me so much.

During those moments, I had stopped praying, I almost became a non-believer. I had so many doubts.

I kept asking God why, why did He give me all these talents: singing, writing, drawing but gave me such a weak character that easily gives up.

Every little setback, I get so easily flustered. I wasn't so happy with myself.
I get scared so easily.

I knew I was pathetic. So pathetic. I hated myself.

I never liked myself, you know.
I always felt like I was nothing compared to others.

Everyone had the drive. I had none.
I get so easily shamed.

My ex hated that part of me too. I was sure.

I can shower everyone with love so freely, so happily but I couldn't even love myself.

I can show support to everyone, encourage them, but I could not do that to myself.

I thought I could only be a supporter in the shadows.

I'd give up my dreams to help others in need. Like what I'm doing now.
I'm more content with it though.

Like helping Hide write songs, because I knew I couldn't play instruments.
It made me discover I might just have a knack of writing even better than before.
I never made songs that I liked to sing to, so I was happy there are songs I can keep singing on my own because I liked it so much.

I wish for music to just come and play while I sing.

I've lost the drive to draw but I've been trying to draw more nowadays.
Push myself.

As for writing, writing this blog is enough for now. As long as I can still type and kind of illustrate my feelings with words, I'll be fine.

Rather than doing nothing like before, I've been keeping myself busy in front of the computer. I rarely watch TV now, just browsing, trying to get inspired. At the same time, write new songs to present to Hide and see what he can do with it.

Or to Tea.

Sounds so happy no?

I wish.

Well, as of now, something from the past is haunting me again.
Possession.

It's funny how I'm feeling it again once I just started being pious. It's like, they don't want me to find light.
I'm possessed?

Or rather, in the process of possession.

I'm still sane right now, but I can feel myself losing consciousness from time to time, spouting hateful and hurtful comments to my family. Without being able to stop, trying to push their buttons to a point they might just kill me.

My dad was holding a knife when I started to just insult him, insult my mom, insult the world, the religion, the society.

I couldn't stop myself even though I knew I wasn't supposed to say it.

Then my chest would hurt so much, as if something is just trying to make it explode.

My anger was trying to come out. With anger, comes depression.

When I did stop myself, I went to my room, knowing full well, "it" was back again.

I've actually been exorcised once. Earlier this year.
I kinda felt it come out, but I felt that it didn't come out fully.

But I was calmer after that, I was so calm, I had stopped thinking about death.
For at least 2-3 months, I was suicide-thought free but I had some frustrations and anger that was still there.

But at the same time, I stopped praying. So I blame myself.

After a month of him unfriending me, cutting off contact. I was still able to control myself, not thinking about death. At all.

I was proud of myself.

But then, I stopped thinking about God.
I was cynical about it.

During the second month, then it hurt me.

It just lambasted me in the face, in the heart.
I needed to pray.

I was lost. I was desperate.

So I started to pray and it calmed me down for a while.

As the days passed by, I realized I couldn't focus at all while I pray.

It was bewildering.

I knew something was wrong. Something was inside me again.
I started losing sleep. When I was first possessed, I had recurring dreams of him, nightmares, I heard some voices and suffered insomnia. I'm losing appetite now too.

I started seeing things that just flashed for just a second.

I was so desperate to go see a healer.

I started getting angry at my parents again for being busy and not being able to help me.

They just told me to pray and I shouted at them "How can I pray when I can't even focus? When I have to stop midway because I lost count of what raka'at I was doing?? How?"

I don't know.
When I'm sane, I can articulate things well.

When I'm not, I just spout hurtful and nonsensical things.

I was aware but couldn't stop myself.

I know, if I don't get help now, it might get even worse.

I don't want to repeat what happened in the past.

I don't want to hurt myself anymore.

I want to fix this before it gets worse.

Before I start thinking about death again.

........It already has but I'm trying to stop.

-Nisah-