Yes, I Did Overdose.

*If you don't like morbid posts, skip this*

After months, more than a year since my last overdose, I overdosed again last Saturday, it was the  8th of February. It is now the 21st of February. How many days has it been?

2 weeks.

14 days.

Many hours, minutes, seconds have passed.

Did I get rushed to the ER like last time?
No. I did not.

Because on that day, I really wanted to die.

I took 10 tablets of 100mg of my medication. Took them, and cried. Again, I took 1000mg of my anti-depressants. Last time I consumed 20 tablets.

After it settled in my stomach, I just stared the palm I used to try kill myself.
And slowly, it dawned to me that I did it again.


I did it around 5pm that day, or earlier, because after that I took a long shower and washed away all my tears. Pretending as if everything was okay, I went ahead and fed my cats. After that was done, I went to my room, turned off the lights, wrote a note and dozed off to sleep.

I think I was really mean that day.

I said goodbye to some of my friends while keeping my family out of the loop.


For the first time I really thought I was gonna die.

I got knocked out after a few minutes.


I thought that after I have fallen asleep, I won't wake up anymore.

Honestly, I procrastinated from doing it for 2 days.

But for a reason, on that day, I didn't care anymore.


I really thought I was gonna die.


But alas, Death decided to punish me instead.


I remember my mom coming to my room while I was half-asleep, she didn't suspect anything. I remember that there was a family event that night. A birthday.

I, of course, did not go.

Telling her that I was dizzy, I just stayed in bed.


I forgot what really happened, but in the end, my friend told me to tell my mom.

She came to my room, after I called her, and pointed to the tablets on my table. I refused to say anything.

And she just asked me "Why?"

"If you really want to die I won't stop you. But I'm praying that you live."


Well, darn it. I did.


Around 4-5am, I kind of heard someone come into my room. It was my mom (I asked her in the morning), checking up on me to see if I died.


Well, screw it.

I fucking failed.



I felt kind of disappointed that I didn't die. Apparently, it's not my time yet.



I didn't go see a doctor. I refused to.

I thought I was fine, that I'll just let the medicine just leave my body in a few days.

But now, it's obvious that something is not right.


For a week, I've been experiencing very bad headaches, erratic heartbeat that leads to difficulty in breathing, even right now, as I'm typing, it is with great difficulty.

The weirdest thing I noticed is that it starts around the same time, every single day.

Around 4-5pm, I'll start getting dizzy spells that put pressure on my head, oxygen would get knocked out of my system for a few seconds, I feel suffocated.

Even now.

And something's wrong with my throat too.

I get hot and cold spells. At first I thought that it was normal.
But it's lasting a while.


On the day I took Shyla to the vet, I collapsed right in front of the vet.

Everything around me was spinning and I dropped down on the road next to the car.
I felt as if something heavy was dropped on me.


Something took my breath away.


For that moment I thought I was gonna die.


Mom then decided that after taking Shyla to the vet, I should get a check-up too.

There were a lot of patients that day.

When it came to my turn, it was the doctor I'm used to seeing. I broke down and told her the truth. She knows that I've been struggling with stress, depression and even stomach problems.

I really did not want to see her.

Because I knew that no medicine would work.

She gave me some meds to fight the nausea and dizziness but none of them worked.



I actually feel like throwing up right now.


I'm so dizzy and I can barely breathe.


I doubt doctors would want to help me now since it was my own choice to destroy my body.

I don't know what actually happened to my stomach, but it hurts more than usual.

I lost 2kg in a week (gaining it back though but I'm frequently throwing up still)


.....really, I don't know what I'm supposed to do.

Should I just let it be?

Isn't that the same like suicide?



I can't think straight, you see.


My mood swings are even worst now.


Some days I can barely wake up.


Waking up, I feel like it's another death sentence.

Around 5pm, I'll get the same symptoms.

Until I fall asleep, it'll stay.


Nothing can make it go away.

Nothing can.


I'm getting sick of being sick.


I really want to throw up right now.




So dizzy.





Even if I didn't die, I'm dead inside. Dying inside literally too.

I feel as if my stomach is breaking down.

I don't know.


My brain, too.

I know.


The chemicals aren't stable now, are they?



What's gonna happen to me?

I don't know.



I just can't breathe right now.

Plus my hair is falling in large clumps now.


-Nisah-