Absence, Leave and Medication

Hey :) it's been a while, hasn't it? It's a shame I haven't been blogging because a lot of things have happened between the last time I blogged until today. Or rather, yesterday. As you can see from the title, I'll be talking about all three in this post. Maybe some random things here and there too.

First of all, the last time I blogged was 1st of September. Now it's already the 23rd of October. That's a long time :( I really can't recall most of the things that happened, to be honest.

Ever since that day, I've been going to every single place except for university to get myself in better health. I went back to my psychiatrist to deal with my depression, I went to some religious healers to deal with the spirits that's been bothering me (highlight it if you want to see it) and then I was hospitalized around the 21st of September due to chronic stomach pains. I couldn't take staying at the hospital for a long time so I told them I wanted to be discharged early. I was alone, sad and physically in pain. No one really visited and actually stayed to accompany me for a while. In the end all I could do was read some ebooks.

Ironically enough, I was reading 'My Sister's Keeper', which is about a girl, Anna, who wants to get rights to her own body by bringing her parents to court. It's also about a cancer patient, her sister, Kate. It's an interesting read (if you haven't watched the movie). I haven't finished reading it though.

Since then, I've been going back and forth from private clinics to public hospitals and then back to a private hospital. I felt like Kate. I don't want to rely on medication and hospitals though. Today I met up with a specialist from said private hospital. It was expensive ( u_u ) mom even said that she might need to get me health insurance.

The amount of medicine I have to take multiplied like hell today. You can see on the snapwidget on the left. That's not even the most of it.

....I'm actually suffering one of those abdominal pains as I'm typing right now lol but I shall carry on.

What I've been suffering is: throwing up regularly every time I eat and abdominal pain that comes and goes like hell. It's been nearly 2 months now. I actually lost weight because of this.

Some people may think it's nothing serious. Heck, sometimes, I try to convince myself it's nothing serious but, it's a bit abnormal, don't you think?

Why all of a sudden?
Why now?

I don't know why. Is it related to my depression? To be honest, all the throwing up and stomach pains actually make the depression worse.

It makes me think of a certain someone.
How I wished that person was here with me.

Because sometimes, I feel so suicidal just to convince my family that I need medical help.

You see, I've been having ups and downs just to convince them, to take me to the hospital. My dad doesn't like the hospital much and my mom has been really busy with her work. The thing with my dad is that he gets on my nerves.

Nowadays, I'd rather him not be there when I'm at the hospital or on the way to he hospital. Just because, he stresses me up too much. It's a lovehate relationship. I'm happier when he's not around me when I'm ill. But I like it if we're just going out of dinner with the family and stuff. Shopping and stuff.

But with health stuff: NO THANK YOU.

Mom, as much as I appreciate her being there when she's available, she's getting on my nerves as well. I don't know if it's my hormones going wild or that the pain has made me just irritable, even the way she talks sounds offensive to me.

But either way, I'm just slumped with all these things happening to me.
Sometimes, just sometimes...

...I'd rather die.

It's the kind where it's like, "I don't wanna wake up nor sleep" kind of thing.

Sure, part of the blame is that I'm impatient.

But I've been patient way too much. They kept delaying and delaying going to see the doctor.
See where it's brought me?

To more hospital visits.


The worst thing is I guess, both my depression and my sickness has forced me to stop attending university altogether. I thought it was for the best but sometimes, I think it was a wrong decision. Even resting at home, I get stressed and depressed by my family.

What's home to rest in if it causes you distress instead?


Now, they've started using the reason that I'm not attending university as a means to strip me off of my laptop and stuff.

Seriously, how can I not be stressed and depressed when it's so depressing at home and everywhere I go?

Sometimes I'm surprised I'm still alive.
There were nights, when I wanted to go to the hospital because it hurt so much and they gave a blind eye to it, I contemplated stabbing my stomach BECAUSE it hurt that much.

No amount of tears managed to make them take me to the hospital then.

Thankfully, now I'm getting proper help. Or something similar.

But my family will still try to make me feel bad. With all the medical costs.

If I had the money, of course I'd pay for myself. I would.


Mom even had the nerve of asking if I threw up on purpose D: BEFORE today's appointment. I got so insulted and stressed, my head started hurting. Even until now.

I think I'm having a fever.

I should rest.


I'm really craving for potatoes right now. And sushi.

But I'm afraid of wasting them when I have to throw up.


I hate wasting food and for the last 2 months, I have.


Now I have to deal with medicines. Lots of them. Until my next appointment.

I'm gonna have a colonoscopy and endoscopy to check my intestines and stomach.

Hopefully they'll find out why my abdomen's been hurting and that I've been throwing up everything I eat.



Hopefully all is better soon.

Soon.

Very soon.

Everything will get better.


Physically, mentally and emotionally.
Everything.

Take care, then :)

Goodnight, sweet dreams!

-Nisah-