Yesterday Was A Good Day

Oh, oh? A good day?

Or rather, a good few days. Yes, I'm still sick but meh. If other things can distract me, I don't mind I guess.

I went to the hospital today to fetch my medicines.
I had a visit to my psychiatrist the other day but eh.

Kinda forgot what I said mostly and what he said.
Oops.
I should really start writing these things down because as soon as I'm out of the consultation room, it's bam. I forgot.

But I think it's along the lines of "Don't make big decisions until I see you next week." I think.

HAHAHA.

Anyway, I wore this cutesy get-up to the psychiatrist:

Yes, my hair was wet >_>

I woke up late ( ._. ) so I had to rush to shower and stuff.

My hair is no longer red D: so sad. 

Yes, I look rounder here but lol, I'm at a normal weight now for my height :O I've always been overweight so I'm like wtf-ing.

My dad doesn't seem happy that I am thinner now though lol. For whatever reason.

I think I might dye my hair again during my birthday. To the same shade of red because it suits me so well imo. LOL.

I dunno, it just makes me seem more like an 'artist'.

What I'm wearing. I effin' love this. It's so pigmented. UGHHH a light hand cannot save me. LOL. Dad got me this. 

Had to get new frames because mine broke.

The new frames are scaring me. It looks and feels so fragile. ARGH.

This is gonna expire soon.

I need to spend another BND40 to get a new membership card but to be honest, SkinFood never has any sales that make it worth it to own the discount card. BLARGH. It expires March 5th.

This was my look for the hospital visit. Or rather, medicine retrieving journey.

I honestly rarely wear a tudong nowadays so yeah, just a random day.

Was trying out a new fashion lol. It looked funny but eh.

Sorry it's blurry :x

My brows D: I hate them.

I should really start contouring my nose. It's really bulbous.

Maybe because I've been eating too much chocolate.

Been snacking on these babies.

Guilty pleasure.

Really.

Losing weight but eating so much sweet food.

Lol sorry.

It's doing bad to my skin :x

After getting home from my short shopping trip (for cats), I was craving for Excapade so I decided to convince le dad and le mom to go.

Not only that but my parents decide to bring me and my sis for a trip to KL :D

ON MY BIRTHDAY WEEK.

SCOREEEEE :D

OH SEPHORA HERE I COME.

GDI.

SEPHORAAAAA.

So, yeah, decided to vain in parents' room.

Round face still round. But peace y'all.

Tee-hee.

I was wearing theBalm's primer, The Skin Shop's Premium Secret BB Cream, three different concealers (LOL yes), and theBalm's translucent powder on the face. On the eyes, I used theBalm's 'Base Hit Kit' Creaseless Cream Shadow, MUA 'Heaven and Earth Palette' and Holika Holika brown eyeliner. For the lips, I was wearing the suede lipstick and muted down with a nude lippy from essence.

....not that you can see any of it. Oopsie.

So yeah, went to Times Square to eat dinner~
Took one photo of me and mom.

Both rounded faces but I don't look like her, do I?

No, I look more like my dad.

I didn't eat much LOL.

I only ordered three things:

Tamago sushi, Okonomiyaki and then Inari Ebiko.

Oh wait, I also ordered Tofu Soup.

I'm trying to make eating the ginger a habit.

I find the okonomiyaki so cute :D

It looks like a real pizza.

OKONOMIYAKI!

After that, I kinda went to SkinFood to deliberate whether or not I should renew my member card...HM.

But alas, I ran to Etude House in the end and got these:

The nailpolish is brown btw lol

If only my skintone was lighter~ a lot of eyeshadows would suit my eyes I think.

So yeah, to sum things up:

Yesterday was a good day :)

OH, and last but not least~

My blog surpassed 20k views :D

I kinda had to stalk my blog >_>

20,000!!

( ;w; ) Thank You!

My next giveaway would be when I reach 50k.

But I'll have a small giveaway/birthday giveaway in March :D

I also sent the prize mails finally yesterday ( ;w; )

I hope it reaches the winners safely.


It's very late, so, uh, good rest?

Take care!

-Nisah-

P.S: Oh, and I wrote some draft lyrics :)

For my ex-love.

It's actually a decent song lol.

Writing songs....always come when everyone else is already asleep. Sigh.

Last Resort

I spent 5 hours or so at the hospital today. I've been experiencing these weird breathlessness, numbness and near collapse for 8 days, enough was enough. I needed to get checked.

The thing about me and pain is that, I get pretty restless and easily get angry. When the fuse short-circuits, my mouth stops thinking and starts spouting hurtful things which I may or may not mean. Think of it as like when you get drunk (which I don't) and you start just saying things, or doing things you don't necessarily mean.

Anyway, fuse broke, all hell broke loose too.

I don't actually know what or where these hateful things come from but maybe my body realizes I've done my part in patience. 8 days of pain is quite patient.

So yeah, when we reached the hospital, I realized that my body was starting to get paralyzed. I had to take a seat, slowly realizing that I was losing feeling in parts of my body. I tried to breathe as steadily as possible but heck, it was hard.

It starts from the chest, slowly and slowly moving toward the rest of my body. My bro got me a wheelchair but that didn't help. My mom and brother were still pissed off at the hurtful things I said so like, they didn't even bother to tell the nurse or doctor in charge that I was having difficulty in breathing.

My mouth was also becoming numb but thank goodness I could still talk. I could barely move my hands, but I had to force myself to. Because my mom was ignoring me, so I tried to call my dad or some friends.

Basically nobody paid heed that I wasn't able to breathe or move my limbs well.

I was crying too.

As it got worser, I just fucking cried.

Nobody was giving me oxygen.

I even had to call my mom through my phone >_>
That was how desperate I was.

I was beyond pissed at that time.


By the time it reached my turn, I was already close to paralysis. Okay, maybe that's too much, maybe very strong numbness. I couldn't even move my hands. There was barely any oxygen in my limbs I think.

My mom had to manually help me grip my hands.

Ugh.

Even thinking about it is horrible.



Well after the blood pressure, temperature check and whatnot. I heard the nurse say, "Go to the Emergency"

By that time, my eyes were closed like hell.
From tears and from the strong headache I was experiencing.

Hell, even when I'm typing this, my head hurts >_>

So yeah, I don't remember much really, but to sum it up, I was ECG-ed, got blood drawn, TWICE. Once for normal blood, the other was on the vein on the wrist? Is that what it's called? You know, when you cut your wrist and you die? Yeah, there.

THAT was painful. Still is. I'm like, 'ow, ow, ow'-ing as I type.

Twice, on one arm. Once on top, once on the wrist. OW.

The vein was a first. I was so close to hitting someone as they took the sample.

Sigh.

And then lastly was the X-Ray.

After all that painful, bothersome thing...

The doctor came with the news:

"All is normal"

What.

What.

What.

Actually, it was my mom who told me the news.

I just broke down.

That time, I was really like, defeated?

I guess that's how I felt. DEFEATED.

I turned to my mom: "Mom, if it's like this, if they can't find anything, what's causing it then? Is my body just making it up? What's wrong with me? WHAT'S WRONG WITH ME???"

"We've already tried religious healing, doctors, medicine....what more can we do?"

My hands were so pale and my nails were blue.

Even the nurse had to ask me if I was wearing nailpolish or what.

I was so delirious, I had to check my nails if I was wearing nailpolish.

I wasn't.

I've always had bluish nails, you see. It's always so blue that I'm still on the lookout for a nail spa or something that'll whiten it.

Unfortunately, it's the nature of my nails.

I actually begged my mom to kill me.

Then apparently I started spouting nonsense again.

I was so shook up, I think my blood pressure went up.

The doctor asked me if I wanted to stay for a night, or go home.

Considering that there was nothing wrong, I decided to leave.

I thought there's only one last resort that I haven't tried:

Snake Blood.

Or any traditional medication.

Chinese, Hindu, Japanese, Thai, etc.

ANYTHING traditional.

Acupuncture, bekam, oil on the forehead, etc.

Anything really.

Even the nurse said it won't hurt to try.

Apparently my hands are very cold.

Which is funny because first time my ex held my hand, his comment was: Your hands are so warm.

Which I find very funny.

Because I know I have cold hands.

I've always had it.

So yeah.

I might add to this later.

But that's it.

I'm done with modern medicine.

But still, the on-call doctor and nurse were very nice ):

Very, very nice.

Maybe I should have stayed there but eh.

I should sleep. My head hurts.

Take care I guess.

Good night.

-Nisah-

Yes, I Did Overdose.

*If you don't like morbid posts, skip this*

After months, more than a year since my last overdose, I overdosed again last Saturday, it was the  8th of February. It is now the 21st of February. How many days has it been?

2 weeks.

14 days.

Many hours, minutes, seconds have passed.

Did I get rushed to the ER like last time?
No. I did not.

Because on that day, I really wanted to die.

I took 10 tablets of 100mg of my medication. Took them, and cried. Again, I took 1000mg of my anti-depressants. Last time I consumed 20 tablets.

After it settled in my stomach, I just stared the palm I used to try kill myself.
And slowly, it dawned to me that I did it again.


I did it around 5pm that day, or earlier, because after that I took a long shower and washed away all my tears. Pretending as if everything was okay, I went ahead and fed my cats. After that was done, I went to my room, turned off the lights, wrote a note and dozed off to sleep.

I think I was really mean that day.

I said goodbye to some of my friends while keeping my family out of the loop.


For the first time I really thought I was gonna die.

I got knocked out after a few minutes.


I thought that after I have fallen asleep, I won't wake up anymore.

Honestly, I procrastinated from doing it for 2 days.

But for a reason, on that day, I didn't care anymore.


I really thought I was gonna die.


But alas, Death decided to punish me instead.


I remember my mom coming to my room while I was half-asleep, she didn't suspect anything. I remember that there was a family event that night. A birthday.

I, of course, did not go.

Telling her that I was dizzy, I just stayed in bed.


I forgot what really happened, but in the end, my friend told me to tell my mom.

She came to my room, after I called her, and pointed to the tablets on my table. I refused to say anything.

And she just asked me "Why?"

"If you really want to die I won't stop you. But I'm praying that you live."


Well, darn it. I did.


Around 4-5am, I kind of heard someone come into my room. It was my mom (I asked her in the morning), checking up on me to see if I died.


Well, screw it.

I fucking failed.



I felt kind of disappointed that I didn't die. Apparently, it's not my time yet.



I didn't go see a doctor. I refused to.

I thought I was fine, that I'll just let the medicine just leave my body in a few days.

But now, it's obvious that something is not right.


For a week, I've been experiencing very bad headaches, erratic heartbeat that leads to difficulty in breathing, even right now, as I'm typing, it is with great difficulty.

The weirdest thing I noticed is that it starts around the same time, every single day.

Around 4-5pm, I'll start getting dizzy spells that put pressure on my head, oxygen would get knocked out of my system for a few seconds, I feel suffocated.

Even now.

And something's wrong with my throat too.

I get hot and cold spells. At first I thought that it was normal.
But it's lasting a while.


On the day I took Shyla to the vet, I collapsed right in front of the vet.

Everything around me was spinning and I dropped down on the road next to the car.
I felt as if something heavy was dropped on me.


Something took my breath away.


For that moment I thought I was gonna die.


Mom then decided that after taking Shyla to the vet, I should get a check-up too.

There were a lot of patients that day.

When it came to my turn, it was the doctor I'm used to seeing. I broke down and told her the truth. She knows that I've been struggling with stress, depression and even stomach problems.

I really did not want to see her.

Because I knew that no medicine would work.

She gave me some meds to fight the nausea and dizziness but none of them worked.



I actually feel like throwing up right now.


I'm so dizzy and I can barely breathe.


I doubt doctors would want to help me now since it was my own choice to destroy my body.

I don't know what actually happened to my stomach, but it hurts more than usual.

I lost 2kg in a week (gaining it back though but I'm frequently throwing up still)


.....really, I don't know what I'm supposed to do.

Should I just let it be?

Isn't that the same like suicide?



I can't think straight, you see.


My mood swings are even worst now.


Some days I can barely wake up.


Waking up, I feel like it's another death sentence.

Around 5pm, I'll get the same symptoms.

Until I fall asleep, it'll stay.


Nothing can make it go away.

Nothing can.


I'm getting sick of being sick.


I really want to throw up right now.




So dizzy.





Even if I didn't die, I'm dead inside. Dying inside literally too.

I feel as if my stomach is breaking down.

I don't know.


My brain, too.

I know.


The chemicals aren't stable now, are they?



What's gonna happen to me?

I don't know.



I just can't breathe right now.

Plus my hair is falling in large clumps now.


-Nisah-

My Experience with Endoscopy

On the 20th of November, I had an invasive procedure known as endoscopy. There are two types of endoscopy, one is of the upper part of the abdomen (Upper GI Endoscopy) which covers the esophagus, stomach and the duodenum (the first part of the small intestine). The other one is called colonoscopy (Lower GI Endoscopy), basically it covers mostly the colon, hence the name.

Photo from the internet. Not mine.

I had both. On the same day. FUN.

I was given preparation a week prior to the procedure. I was given two 45ml bottles of Fleet Phospho-Soda which I dub the 'salty shit'. It's an unflavoured oral saline laxative. What I wanna say is: UNFLAVOURED MY ASS. It's basically salt. Salt. SALT. I think

First, I tried it with some juice. BIG MISTAKE. It was too much and heck, I poured too much juice. Basically I was battling orange sea water. I had to use a straw because I had a cut on my lip and you DO know, salt and cuts don't mix.

I struggled so much with it. I wanted to cry. I had to fast too so I had no relief whatsoever of the salty shit. I had to drink 7000mg of salt, TWICE. It was just horrible. The second one I had to drink, I decided to just drink it with a bit of water, because obviously juice failed.

I was instructed to drink 2 litres of water after drinking it. So I did. Waited after a while....then the explosive diarrhoea comes. Interestingly, it didn't hurt at all. Just annoying. I decided to not sleep the whole night (one thing, it's because I still am having problems adjusting with my normal sleeping pattern and two, I just wanna be tired enough during the procedure). I forgot what I actually did but I think I was on Facebook the whole time.

So basically the whole night I was an owl, whose best friend was water and the toilet.

Come the time to go to the hospital, I actually napped a bit after my second bottle of Fleet. I was almost too reluctant to go. I was scared, anxious and tired.

But after all that painful prep, it'd be insane not to go, right??

So yeah,  I didn't even care how I looked. I just wanted it to be over. I should have braided my hair had I known how it was gonna be.

My dad took the day off to go to the hospital with me, my lil' sis came too.

Unfortunately, we weren't informed beforehand that I was to be waiting in the recovery room until it was time to go. So I had to ask my dad and sis to leave and I was left alone.

I was prepped before the procedure. They inserted that....needle thing that's usually for IV and the nurse in charge injected something I don't know. Was it for me to not throw up? Because I told her I threw up once. She then asked if I had any experience with the procedure, allergies, etc. Routine questions basically. I asked her if it'd would hurt, she said it would but I would be sedated.

After that, I was told to change my jeans into the....cloth thing and remove my underwear. The removing underwear part was not very nice. I felt exposed. Way too exposed lol.

She told me that after she injects the painkiller to my bum, I wouldn't be allowed to go to the toilet anymore, so I went one last time. Then when it was time to inject my bum, it hurt. LOL. But I'm used to it.

Then comes the weird feeling.

That weird feeling of losing feelings in your legs...getting numb and numb every second. I went to sleep after that, because it was freaking me out.

I was then woken up by two nurses, I was very drowsy then, I had a hard time moving to the stretcher and had to be assisted. After I was snug, I fell back asleep.

I was partially awake, so I felt them put the anesthesia/or oxygen thingy for my nose and they had a hard time adjusting it to my ear (hence why I said I should have braided my hair).

During the colonoscopy, I didn't really feel it. I mean, I FELT it, it HURT. I think the nurse held my hand since I was crying out in pain. There were a few instances where it felt like it was poking my uterus? I felt it cramp there a few times. I actually didn't feel it in me then, because of the sedatives, I believe, but it still hurt ):

After a while, I fell asleep again UNTIL, I felt them put something in my mouth.

Here is where it became unbearable.

They put this ring ring in my mouth to prevent me from closing it, and then the endoscopy tube was inserted. This was unbearable for me because I can't talk, I can't really scream, I whimpered.

I wanted to say "Take it out! Take it out!" but obviously I can't. Thankfully though, it didn't last that long.

If I had to compare the Upper to Lower, I can take the lower one better.

I mean, at least I'm used to period cramps right??


*I could have sworn they told me I pooped a bit*

Moving on, I was put back to my bed, I was out cold. I just wanted to sleep but I could still feel the scope in my throat and it was horrible.

I could care less when I started becoming gassy.
My colon was clean, so there was no smell at all lol.


The nurse in charge then told me that the doctor told me to rest until at least 2pm. I didn't mind. I liked hospital beds. They make me sleep.

They served me lunch and tea time. Had my favourite one too :) the oyster sauced chicken.
Af first I couldn't eat much as I felt drowsy and nauseous.

Wanting to go to the toilet, the nurse told me to not lock the door just in case I fell down I guess.

When it was time for me to go, the nurse asked if my family members were present and I told her they were waiting in the car. She then finally told me.


She said it was all normal.

I looked at her in disbelief.

She said it was mostly my intestines spasming. My throat was also red from all the vomiting but that was it.

I couldn't believe what I was hearing, to be honest.

They saw no diverticuli, nothing. Zilch.

They did take a biopsy though, and I'll have the result next Tuesday.

Odd isn't it?



Back in Japan, I was diagnosed with diverticulosis/diverticulitis using a CT Scan.

I had inflammation then too.


These pockets don't disappear.
So where did it go?

I'm still puzzled but only the doctor will know.


I decided not to take my meds from the pharmacy just yet because I was gonna go see my psychiatrist on the 22nd. Bad move.


I slept early that day.

Woke up with severe stomach pain.

So yeah, bad move to not get my meds.


It was so painful. I couldn't laugh much, I couldn't walk that much. I decided to sleep it off.

I'm guessing they took samples from the left side since it hurt there a lot.


So yeah, I wasn't really informed about the aftereffects of the procedure, but I should have asked, right?

Yeah.


Anyway~ we'll see how it goes next week.


I only realised there were some drawbacks to the procedure when I looked it up LOL. Fail.

So yeah, I got more medicine, I need to up my fiber intake and whatnot.

I shall talk about the results next week hopefully :)


I wanted to blog more but I'm kinda tired~ Tomorrow maybe!

Okay then.

Take care!

-Nisah-

*Shall add more photos tomorrow*

Absence, Leave and Medication

Hey :) it's been a while, hasn't it? It's a shame I haven't been blogging because a lot of things have happened between the last time I blogged until today. Or rather, yesterday. As you can see from the title, I'll be talking about all three in this post. Maybe some random things here and there too.

First of all, the last time I blogged was 1st of September. Now it's already the 23rd of October. That's a long time :( I really can't recall most of the things that happened, to be honest.

Ever since that day, I've been going to every single place except for university to get myself in better health. I went back to my psychiatrist to deal with my depression, I went to some religious healers to deal with the spirits that's been bothering me (highlight it if you want to see it) and then I was hospitalized around the 21st of September due to chronic stomach pains. I couldn't take staying at the hospital for a long time so I told them I wanted to be discharged early. I was alone, sad and physically in pain. No one really visited and actually stayed to accompany me for a while. In the end all I could do was read some ebooks.

Ironically enough, I was reading 'My Sister's Keeper', which is about a girl, Anna, who wants to get rights to her own body by bringing her parents to court. It's also about a cancer patient, her sister, Kate. It's an interesting read (if you haven't watched the movie). I haven't finished reading it though.

Since then, I've been going back and forth from private clinics to public hospitals and then back to a private hospital. I felt like Kate. I don't want to rely on medication and hospitals though. Today I met up with a specialist from said private hospital. It was expensive ( u_u ) mom even said that she might need to get me health insurance.

The amount of medicine I have to take multiplied like hell today. You can see on the snapwidget on the left. That's not even the most of it.

....I'm actually suffering one of those abdominal pains as I'm typing right now lol but I shall carry on.

What I've been suffering is: throwing up regularly every time I eat and abdominal pain that comes and goes like hell. It's been nearly 2 months now. I actually lost weight because of this.

Some people may think it's nothing serious. Heck, sometimes, I try to convince myself it's nothing serious but, it's a bit abnormal, don't you think?

Why all of a sudden?
Why now?

I don't know why. Is it related to my depression? To be honest, all the throwing up and stomach pains actually make the depression worse.

It makes me think of a certain someone.
How I wished that person was here with me.

Because sometimes, I feel so suicidal just to convince my family that I need medical help.

You see, I've been having ups and downs just to convince them, to take me to the hospital. My dad doesn't like the hospital much and my mom has been really busy with her work. The thing with my dad is that he gets on my nerves.

Nowadays, I'd rather him not be there when I'm at the hospital or on the way to he hospital. Just because, he stresses me up too much. It's a lovehate relationship. I'm happier when he's not around me when I'm ill. But I like it if we're just going out of dinner with the family and stuff. Shopping and stuff.

But with health stuff: NO THANK YOU.

Mom, as much as I appreciate her being there when she's available, she's getting on my nerves as well. I don't know if it's my hormones going wild or that the pain has made me just irritable, even the way she talks sounds offensive to me.

But either way, I'm just slumped with all these things happening to me.
Sometimes, just sometimes...

...I'd rather die.

It's the kind where it's like, "I don't wanna wake up nor sleep" kind of thing.

Sure, part of the blame is that I'm impatient.

But I've been patient way too much. They kept delaying and delaying going to see the doctor.
See where it's brought me?

To more hospital visits.


The worst thing is I guess, both my depression and my sickness has forced me to stop attending university altogether. I thought it was for the best but sometimes, I think it was a wrong decision. Even resting at home, I get stressed and depressed by my family.

What's home to rest in if it causes you distress instead?


Now, they've started using the reason that I'm not attending university as a means to strip me off of my laptop and stuff.

Seriously, how can I not be stressed and depressed when it's so depressing at home and everywhere I go?

Sometimes I'm surprised I'm still alive.
There were nights, when I wanted to go to the hospital because it hurt so much and they gave a blind eye to it, I contemplated stabbing my stomach BECAUSE it hurt that much.

No amount of tears managed to make them take me to the hospital then.

Thankfully, now I'm getting proper help. Or something similar.

But my family will still try to make me feel bad. With all the medical costs.

If I had the money, of course I'd pay for myself. I would.


Mom even had the nerve of asking if I threw up on purpose D: BEFORE today's appointment. I got so insulted and stressed, my head started hurting. Even until now.

I think I'm having a fever.

I should rest.


I'm really craving for potatoes right now. And sushi.

But I'm afraid of wasting them when I have to throw up.


I hate wasting food and for the last 2 months, I have.


Now I have to deal with medicines. Lots of them. Until my next appointment.

I'm gonna have a colonoscopy and endoscopy to check my intestines and stomach.

Hopefully they'll find out why my abdomen's been hurting and that I've been throwing up everything I eat.



Hopefully all is better soon.

Soon.

Very soon.

Everything will get better.


Physically, mentally and emotionally.
Everything.

Take care, then :)

Goodnight, sweet dreams!

-Nisah-