Last Resort

I spent 5 hours or so at the hospital today. I've been experiencing these weird breathlessness, numbness and near collapse for 8 days, enough was enough. I needed to get checked.

The thing about me and pain is that, I get pretty restless and easily get angry. When the fuse short-circuits, my mouth stops thinking and starts spouting hurtful things which I may or may not mean. Think of it as like when you get drunk (which I don't) and you start just saying things, or doing things you don't necessarily mean.

Anyway, fuse broke, all hell broke loose too.

I don't actually know what or where these hateful things come from but maybe my body realizes I've done my part in patience. 8 days of pain is quite patient.

So yeah, when we reached the hospital, I realized that my body was starting to get paralyzed. I had to take a seat, slowly realizing that I was losing feeling in parts of my body. I tried to breathe as steadily as possible but heck, it was hard.

It starts from the chest, slowly and slowly moving toward the rest of my body. My bro got me a wheelchair but that didn't help. My mom and brother were still pissed off at the hurtful things I said so like, they didn't even bother to tell the nurse or doctor in charge that I was having difficulty in breathing.

My mouth was also becoming numb but thank goodness I could still talk. I could barely move my hands, but I had to force myself to. Because my mom was ignoring me, so I tried to call my dad or some friends.

Basically nobody paid heed that I wasn't able to breathe or move my limbs well.

I was crying too.

As it got worser, I just fucking cried.

Nobody was giving me oxygen.

I even had to call my mom through my phone >_>
That was how desperate I was.

I was beyond pissed at that time.


By the time it reached my turn, I was already close to paralysis. Okay, maybe that's too much, maybe very strong numbness. I couldn't even move my hands. There was barely any oxygen in my limbs I think.

My mom had to manually help me grip my hands.

Ugh.

Even thinking about it is horrible.



Well after the blood pressure, temperature check and whatnot. I heard the nurse say, "Go to the Emergency"

By that time, my eyes were closed like hell.
From tears and from the strong headache I was experiencing.

Hell, even when I'm typing this, my head hurts >_>

So yeah, I don't remember much really, but to sum it up, I was ECG-ed, got blood drawn, TWICE. Once for normal blood, the other was on the vein on the wrist? Is that what it's called? You know, when you cut your wrist and you die? Yeah, there.

THAT was painful. Still is. I'm like, 'ow, ow, ow'-ing as I type.

Twice, on one arm. Once on top, once on the wrist. OW.

The vein was a first. I was so close to hitting someone as they took the sample.

Sigh.

And then lastly was the X-Ray.

After all that painful, bothersome thing...

The doctor came with the news:

"All is normal"

What.

What.

What.

Actually, it was my mom who told me the news.

I just broke down.

That time, I was really like, defeated?

I guess that's how I felt. DEFEATED.

I turned to my mom: "Mom, if it's like this, if they can't find anything, what's causing it then? Is my body just making it up? What's wrong with me? WHAT'S WRONG WITH ME???"

"We've already tried religious healing, doctors, medicine....what more can we do?"

My hands were so pale and my nails were blue.

Even the nurse had to ask me if I was wearing nailpolish or what.

I was so delirious, I had to check my nails if I was wearing nailpolish.

I wasn't.

I've always had bluish nails, you see. It's always so blue that I'm still on the lookout for a nail spa or something that'll whiten it.

Unfortunately, it's the nature of my nails.

I actually begged my mom to kill me.

Then apparently I started spouting nonsense again.

I was so shook up, I think my blood pressure went up.

The doctor asked me if I wanted to stay for a night, or go home.

Considering that there was nothing wrong, I decided to leave.

I thought there's only one last resort that I haven't tried:

Snake Blood.

Or any traditional medication.

Chinese, Hindu, Japanese, Thai, etc.

ANYTHING traditional.

Acupuncture, bekam, oil on the forehead, etc.

Anything really.

Even the nurse said it won't hurt to try.

Apparently my hands are very cold.

Which is funny because first time my ex held my hand, his comment was: Your hands are so warm.

Which I find very funny.

Because I know I have cold hands.

I've always had it.

So yeah.

I might add to this later.

But that's it.

I'm done with modern medicine.

But still, the on-call doctor and nurse were very nice ):

Very, very nice.

Maybe I should have stayed there but eh.

I should sleep. My head hurts.

Take care I guess.

Good night.

-Nisah-