So Many Ideas...

...but no one to help realise them.

Mostly it's to do with music.
I have so many draft vocal tunes, lyrics and ideas for the music...

I just don't have the resources to help make them come true.
Actually, I do. But only for a certain genre of music.

I want something for everything. In fact, if anything, I WANT to be the one who makes the music. I think I can do it, but maybe I'm just talentless in that area.

Composing, I mean.

Believe it or not, I have problems with rhythms. I can't really dance, btw. I think that's why, too.

Last year, a stroke of genius time came for me, around August.
Then it all stopped.

Plus, when I turned to use my Macbook, I don't get to use my FL Studio very much.

It's funny, because technically, I have everything to make something simple. My midi cable's here, pop filter's here, I have an electric and acoustic guitar and a freakin' keyboard.

I never believed in the "Buy all the instruments, can get all the nice things" thing. What's the point of buying this and that if you don't learn how to use it right?

Heck, I'm trying my best to play acoustic guitar.
I even cried.

Because even when I'm alone, I'm embarrassed at how awful I am at it.
Same goes with keyboard, and don't get me started on the electric guitar.


I feel ashamed that I can't play them.


My doctor asked me: Why do you have such a high expectation of yourself?

WELL I DON'T KNOW!

Because I grew up never having to work hard in studies?
That I thought my voice was given by God? Well, to a degree.

That my skills in writing or drawing...or what used to be them, was just there, an innate ability.


All that was left for me to do was enhance them. Practice this, practice that.


But with guitars and keyboards, I guess...I expected it to be innate too.
Lazy me, I think I want to believe that.

I SO want to believe that.


Sometimes I feel like I'm just sitting in a dark room, surrounded with these instruments, my books, my art supplies and my laptop....and I'm just sitting, in a fetal position, staring into the dark.


...and as time goes by, these things move away more from me.


I could only stare at them as they go.


They left me all alone.





It's pathetic of me to rely only on things I'm born with.
But I believe in that thing where I shouldn't venture onto things I'm sure I have no talent in.


I'm not deaf.
I know when I sound good, or when I sound horrible.


I trained my ears for that.

When I play the instruments, it's like...just horrible things.

My sister had to endure my guitar practices and boy, does she endure them.



It's funny how I just said I relied on things I'm born with when I actually trained my ears.
But then again, I trained them on my own.

I need vocal training, heck yes, I do.

In fact I think I kinda effed up my vocals due to singing when I'm sick.
It happens.


Maybe I'd need vocal rehabilitation eventually.


And maybe I should take up some guitar classes and shit.


Because the only thing I know I'll never give up on is my childhood dream to sing.

Even when everything is as dark as well, dark things.


Like right now. When everything seems dead.


I realised that I can make it better by singing. No matter how broken, how pathetic I sound.
As long as I can sing, as long as I think people want me to sing.


I'll sing.



Or not.

It depends.
Haha.


Bleh.


Well, this song cheered me up:

( 'w' ) it really did.

Take care everyone!
I've been forgetting a lot of things.

-Nisah-

P.S: I really wanna be a guy, y'know.

I didn't really contour my nose for this pic >_>;

That day will come.