As An Aspiring Singer-Songwriter...

My fingers hurt from trying to learn the guitar ( ~_~ )
So I'm typing a bit slower than usual. Fun.

Anyway...

I recently got a new acoustic guitar as a birthday present from my dad.
And it's pink, of course.

It goes so well with my room :3
Although that doesn't matter much!

You see, I already have Charlotte, which is my electric guitar.
However, I can't bring myself to use her because she's so heavy.

The reason why I didn't get an acoustic in the first place is because I have a very weak left hand. With an electric, I need less pressure on the strings. In the end though, I can't bring myself to practice on Charlotte.

So yeah, I've been wanting an acoustic for a while, especially since I'm writing more acoustic sounding songs. Plus my composer doesn't wanna compose the lazy sounding songs I make lol.

I usually make jazzy, slow, acoustic-y vocal tunes.
Most of the time I do make J-Pop or J-Rock sounding tunes too. That one, my composer has no problems working with.

My first single has been delayed quite a while, considering it's been made/planned since last year's September. Right now, listening to it, it has me thinking if it's even single material. I mean, would people actually listen to it on the radio, let alone on its own, on Youtube, Soundcloud or something.

I mean, does it stand on its own?

Last year, I thought so, but this year, I'm having doubts.

Not in the quality of the song. No.

It's just that...will Brunei even play it on the radio if I sent it in?
Would they support me as a local independent singer who sings in Japanese or English?


I sound horrible in Malay okay?
I don't loathe Malay, no.

Personally, when you sing or write in Japanese, you can explore more things than simple love songs, or songs to praise God, or friendship songs, etc.

I can write about the colour of my panties, or whatnot, and it can still be artistic.

OF COURSE,  I won't write about that hahaha :P

There's just so much you can do with the language, with the syllables, with everything.

This is the reason why I sing in Japanese.

My Japanese isn't perfect, no, I'm not saying it is.
But there's just so much more I can give in Japanese.

Heck, I've been writing more songs in English of late.
Even my producer/composer/friend says when I write in Japanese I sound more mature.


There's just a sophistication in the language that somehow, I can't really write in either English or Malay.


But writing in English is fun, especially when you set no boundaries.

I've longed to sing on the stage again, but I've had to decline or back out from the stage this year, because I just don't have that confidence anymore. Or that my throat just dies on me.

Back in Japan, back in 2008, I enjoyed singing on the stage. I was singing Japanese, to a Japanese crowd.

And they liked me. Or maybe they just wanted to make sure I don't feel alienated...


I relied on the power of basic Japanese and memorisation.
I don't want to rely on that anymore.

Or rather, I can't.

Not with my condition.
I can barely remember my own lyrics.


I can't remember anything anymore.
I can't memorise anymore.



What's a singer who can't even remember lyrics?

That fear steals away my voice, and I give up.


I know I can do better.
I know I can do what I wanted to do.

I want to grab the listener's heart and squeeze all their emotions out.

That's what I want to do with my voice, with my songs, with my lyrics.


But can I even do that with my condition now?


When I can't even remember anything.


My brain has stopped keeping track of things.


What am I writing now?

Back in Brunei, I stopped trying.

I tried, but I realised that my voice is nothing compared to all the stronger voices in the music scene.

I have a weak voice, I don't rely on strong, punchy vocals.
My voice is soft, weak, fragile but I'd like to say it's versatile.

I don't take vocal lessons and I know I need to.

Brunei only wants Mariah Carey-like singers, or Celine Dion, or Adele...

...never the weak, fragile voice.



I dunno.
Maybe, maybe not.

We'll see when EXIST comes out.

How will they react to it?

It's such an important song.


I'm also going to write an English version of EXIST.
Just in case they don't wanna play Japanese songs.


My dream is big.
I wanna be a singer in Japan.

I know it's gonna be hard.


It will be hard.


But even as an indie, I still want to be able to sing.
I want to sing, I want to help people.


It doesn't have to be locally.

I want it to be globally.

Big dreams? Can't I have it?
I've had this dream ever since I was younger, ever since I learned that I could sing.


If global means Youtube or via sharing, I don't mind.

There are people who have said they will support me no matter what.
No, they're not Bruneians, they're from all over the world.

That's enough initiative for me to believe I can do it.


I CAN do it.


I know I can.

I need to believe that I can.

-Nisah-