A moment of peace, that's all I'm asking.

I've had terrible mood swings for a long time now.

Sometimes, it's just a day or two's worth of depression or stress.
Sometimes, it's just irritability, anger and the feeling of wanting to hit or throw things.
Sometimes it's just tears, all day, every day, tears.

For no reason.

Sometimes...it's all of that, and it lasts a long time.


I'm so tired of it.

I've mentioned it to my parents, that I want it checked. A gynaecologist , or something, even going back to seeing psychiatrists. Heck, I even asked for religious help since the beginning of the year.

But none came.

I would have to depend on the person I love, to at least be by my side, just walking around with him, talking to him, it would help prevent such episodes.

Unfortunately he's unavailable, and it's not his fault. I'm just at my worst when he can't help.



Last month, when my parents were away for two weeks, I noticed that I had a smooth month. I didn't even fight with my sister, I didn't have any issues.

Except for one day, but it was just a short sad period. I was okay, still.


I'm not saying that my parents caused this, maybe they did, but what I know is that they make it...worse.


I know, I know when it comes.

It comes before my period, during my period...and I noticed that it's the worse when I'm ovulating (I have the app for it).

I took note of this.

I know, I KNOW that it's related to it.

Is it hormones?


You've heard of PMS, but if it's PMS, why is it so, so horrible for me.

Why does it last for so long.


And it goes away, for a bit.


And comes back during my next cycle.


I've even said to my mom I want my ovaries out.


I wanted to go have it checked.

I wanted to have it checked.



But my mom always said: "You're not married yet, you don't have these problems."


"It's not possible for you to have these problems."



I just want to be normal.



I don't want to depend on medication to live.


But it won't go away.



I just want to live peacefully.
To have mood swings that don't last long, that cause strain in my relationships.


To not hurt others while I'm hurting.


But my family is just making it worse.




Not only do they pretend to not hear me when I explain to them that I'm tired of hurting them, they tell me:

"Grow up. You're being immature."

"It's the Devil."

"Stop crying, you're old enough."


"You've been normal for a long time, why now."

"Why start again now."


"Can't you control yourself? You're old enough to control yourself."


"You have a black heart."

"You're like this because you're you."



"You're just evil inside."





I'm so, so tired of listening to this, when I already told them how hard I've tried to control it all these months of so called "normalcy".


I've tried.


It's just that this time, it just won't. go. away.




It just won't go away.



I feel like the only way to stop it is by dying.


Maybe it'll finally stop. This pain.


This monthly torture.



I'm calm now. A little.


But who knows if it'll come back again.


It did before.

It did, yesterday, five times, with some moments of calm... then the storm.



I can't force myself to sleep, no matter how tired I am.




I've been praying to be normal.


I can't have a normal life if I don't know when I'll break.

It's so predictable, yet so unpredictable.



I don't know when it'll be the awful one that lasts so long.




I called the Psychiatry and they can't help me. They want to talk to my family.

My family caused me to call them.


It's a stupid cycle.



I called my brother and he can't let me stay at his place with his family.


Even though I told him staying here will eventually drive me crazy.



They look at me, like I'm disgusting. Like I'm evil.



I didn't choose to be born like this.



I didn't choose to be like this.




I didn't choose this body that has so many problems.









Stop blaming me.


I didn't choose this family.